Those Three Words..

Growing up as a girl... wait, that sounds wrong.

As girls we have this label on us to be sexy, smart, good at cooking, and thin.

I work out more than the average person, I spend 5 hours a day on the softball field, and in the weight room. When I got shoudler surgery of course that all came to a crashing halt.The shoulder is so sensitive, they won't let me run sprints, or jump, or swim, nothing. It's been super hard to watch my team work out and feel like I'm lazy, but I do as much as I can. They're throwing up 125 pounds of weights, while I am using my thera bands in the corner haha. It's definitely a humbling experience when you have to psychologically work yourself up to pick up a 5 pound weight.

I am thankful that I am blessed with a desire to want to be active, I know how important it is and how hugely it can effect us in our lives in the future.

As girls, we are more sensitive to this subject, because we feel like if we aren't thin enough, or tall enough, or pretty enough that we can't accomplish our dreams, or our goals. That no one will love us or accept us.

I have definitely caught myself worrying about the number on the scale, more than how I feel about myself. I will be the first to admit (okay maybe second) that I look at girls and immediately judge them by their weight, or their hair, or their clothes. Either "I am glad I am not like that", or "I wish I had her body". I can never just be content with my own body, and I am never content with those around me either, because it's put in our heads everyday that we aren't good enough.

Today those three words that no girl ever wants to hear were said to me by a trainer (who was male). "You are Fat". But it's okay because he opened it up with "Don't take it personally". My first instinct was to be super mad because what girl was not going to take that personally, especially one who is crippled and feels like the laziest person on earth and has been doing everything she can to work out. My second reaction was to bawl my eyes out on the phone with my mom.

I then proceeded to run 2 miles, and bike 5, and I still felt the same disgusting, feeling, and those three little words playing over and over in the back of my mind. I did abs, I ran some more, and nothing changed. Too often am I telling myself "I'm fat", "She's fat", only to feel the burn of those very same words coming out of someone elses mouth.

Not only with weight, but any sort of insecurity, one person saying it can make you feel like there is no end, there is no overcoming it. No matter how simple or small that insecurity is. Our words are so important, it's the only thing that we ALWAYS have, that we can ALWAYS control. The minute we say something, it cannot be taken back. Our words are so impacting in the lives of the people we come in contact with.

For those of you feeling insecure, about weight, or anything else..know that you are not alone. Know that the girl who plays five hours of softball, weights, and conditiong a day still feels conscious about her weight. Know that there are people, all around us no matter how perfect they may seem that struggle with insecurities. It's up to us, their friends, their family, the stranger on the street, to do everything we can to build people up and not tear them down. A smile, a compliment, it doesn't matter. But no words at all are better than words of hate, judgement, or stereotypes.

YOU are beautiful. WE are beautiful. The Lord made us this way, HIS way.. and we should be proud. Weight is a number, not a way of life, not how much love we have in our hearts, or the information in our brains, or the limits to our dreams.

Next time you look in that mirror, just remember that there is at least one person, who thinks YOU are beautiful. YOU matter. What you do, what you say, what you think matters. Don't ever let three little words, or any at that take away from the goodness inside us all. There is only ONE standard that matters, the Lords.

insanity at it's finest

It's been quite some time since i've indulged myself in a "pity me" party. I typically try not to allow myself to cry.. because for some reason I feel like it's a sign of weakness, only coming from me though. I think it's perfectly logical for anyone else to cry, but me? cry? NEVER.

I have this idea that I am not allowed to help myself, and I have to help everyone else. Heroic? Hardly. More like a case of pride taking over. The words "I'm fine" should be banned from my vocabulary, these days. My shrink is this keyboard, so sometimes I need to be able to turn to writing and say, "I'm not fine". And the devil on my left is telling me that's not okay, but on the other hand I know it's okay to break down sometimes.

I am the most stressful person on the planet, if it was an award, I would surely have the perctly polished gold trophy sitting on the shelf above my bed. Unfortunately for me, stress is usually the foundation of the battles I fight with myself everyday. For those of you fighting to win that trophy...give up now, this is one competition I think I will win every time.

I can't seem to get through the first day of classes without having a mini stroke at the stack of work I will have for the next semester. I also can't fall asleep at night without going through everything I have to do the next day. And that can opener? That can opener that I cannot seem to learn how to use might just be the death of me. Insane? Probably. To my future kids: just put me in an institution, and feed me applesauce, and read me dr. suess books, I will be perfectly content.

I had a little bit of a breakdown, but my roommate came to the rescue with encouraging words of wisdom, and prayer. I am thankful for roommates who are so willing to listen, and whose first words of advice, are turn to the Lord.

I am thankful for priesthood blessings and the burdens they have the power to lift. For all of the girls: Thank those who are worthy to give priesthood blessings. In this day and age it is NOT easy to be worthy, and I am so thankful for all the boys who surround me who are not only worthy but willing to help all of us girls who are on the edge of a meltdown. That time of the month is not our only excuse to have a breakdrown. Sometimes we need to just let it out, and have a breakdown...but once it's done, pick yourself up and dust yourself off and move forward stronger than ever.

I may be crazy, but I'm thankful for the support of all the other crazy people in the world who get me through my pity parties.

Nothin a little oreos, and prayer can't fix.

Thankful

I think that sometimes having a hard day makes you realize how lucky you are.

I have been going through some stressful situations in college (who doesn't right?), and I have found myself more and more upset each day.

The little things are the things that just build up over time and I finally just break down

But today, I realized something.

One of my amazing, strong, and beast modes of a friend is in the hospital undergoing another round of chemotherapy. Not from cancer for the first time, but for the second. My mom also has a friend who is going through cancer for the third time. My heart aches, and I cry for the amazing people in my life who have faced trials that most everyone on this earth have the luxury of NOT facing, including me.

Today a kid in my institute class stood up and shared something with the class that changed my whole sophomore year of college so far. I realized that I am so blessed to be healthy, to see, to breathe, and to walk. I don't have cancer, I don't have to fear for my life, and I don't have a broken family. I don't have any physical disability (besides my broken shoulder), and I don't have mental disability. Nothing that is wrong with me now, can't be fixed. And there are a lot of people who cannot say the same.

I am thankful for trials in my life, to make me realize that MY trials, are miniscule compared to what a lot of other people have to deal with.

I know we are not challenged over that which we are able to handle. And I am so proud of my friend for being so strong in all of her challenges. I am also thankful for the people who support her everyday, and make her stronger.

without weakness, none of us would know strength. Without sorrow, there would be no happiness, and without each other, none of it would have a purpose anyway.

Today I am thankful for the smiles, the texts, the letters, the phone calls, the waves, the hello's, and the conversations from people familiar, or strangers who have made my hard days just a little bit better. It is true.. it takes a village to raise a child, and I am thankful for the thousands of people I have come in contact with in my life who have shaped me through my trials and struggles

Sunday Pondering.

Ever Since I have gotten into the social work program I have realized that talking is a good thing. When I was little, I was such a little stress ball (I still am). My mom would beg and beg for me to just talk about what I was feeling instead of keeping them in. I'm pretty sure I put here through a lot of hellish days because of my inability to communicate how I felt.

I would keep everything bottled up inside until eventually one day it would explode. Whether I took that frustration out on the field, on myself, or on an innocent bystander (mostly my mom), it never ended good. I never felt like I had the ability to put words to my emotions. That's why I started writing, and why I started this blog. As a place for me to go to let things out, because that was the only way I would say what I felt. I can't even count how many times my mom said "Kayla write to me if you're not going to talk", because she knew that that was the only way she could get through to me.

I'm super bad with telling people how I feel, good or bad. I'm not good at showing how happy I am, even if I've never been happier. people always ask me if I'm upset, because I don't always know how to show my emotions, even if I'm super happy that day. But from day one in the social work program, I have been challenged to talk about my feelings, talk about things in my past, and talk about things that I want. It's a challenge for me, because I am always the one to say "I'm fine, i don't care, I don't know". I think the Lord knew I needed help in this department and that's why he guided me to it. I have learned so much about myself through the social work program. I have learned how to be better, I love studying, and I know that a career in helping people is something I have always wanted to do. The funny thing is, I didn't even know social work existed before I came to BYU.

When I first got the phone call from the coach at BYU Hawaii, I knew I wanted to come. I also knew that if I didn't play softball that I probably wouldn't come to Hawaii, it was just so far away, and if I didn't have a team and something to do all the time I was probably just going to stay in Utah.

The first year, softball definitely didn't go as planned. I tore my labrum, but played through it. Had a coach who didn't even come to practice, and hated most everything, and it was just the most mind draining challenging thing I've ever had to go through. I came home and got shoulder surgery so I could play. This year, is a little better but it's still so draining. There are times when I ask myself why am I playing? If I was supposed to come here for softball why am I playing?

But then I realized, maybe Softball was just Heavenly Fathers way of getting me to come to BYU Hawaii so I could be put in front of the opportunities he needed me to receive. I never even knew what social work was until I came here and had a prompting to sign up for it as a general. The minute I walked into class I knew that was what I was supposed to do, and my patriarchal blessing confirmed that.

I have a testimony that heavenly father knows the end, while we only see the right now. Sometimes it's hard to trust in him, but I know that he does things in a way that things need to be done, not because we understand them. Maybe I'm not supposed to play softball, maybe that's not why I am here. But maybe, he placed me here so that I could figure out what I'm supposed to do in life, because somewhere down the road there is going to be a life that I am going to need to impact in some way or another. I have faith that He guides my every move, and that if we trust in him our lives will be impacted in a way we never thought possible.

What we think is right is no where near as important as what God thinks is right. I have a hard time communicating how I feel, I get frustrated, and one day it all explodes. But I know that Heavenly Father has put me here to learn how to communicate, to learn how to become better, and to maybe help some people along the way.

There is positivity in all things... even if we think we are on the path of darkness, trials, and mistakes I know that the Lord blesses us with knowledge and strength through all.

And through it all, I know that I am exactly where I need to be, even if it's not for the reasons I originally thought.

So for all those people who don't know how to communicate, or don't know how to show their emotions, sit down, and talk to someone. Ask about THEM. Ask about their life. Ask them how there day is on a scale of 1-10, and figure out what makes THEM stronger. Through the strength of others you find your own strength. And maybe, communication isn't such a bad thing.

Atkin's Around the World

Right now my family is spread out....far.

Angie and Evan are happily married, in a new house, with a little dog and Baby Aria on the way :) They live in Virginia, angie works (She just got registered in the state of virginia!), and evan serves our Country as a soldier in the army, which requires LOTS of traveling. He is currently in Colorado, while angie is stuck at home with the dog, the baby and the big giant house.

Shalana and Emily are at home in Utah, with mom and dad. Shalana and Emily are seniors in high school, just going to their Senior Homecoming (they are beautiful and I love them), they work, they play, and they are just trying to become people that they want to become. I know how hard it is to be in high school and have all sorts of pressure on you from the world around you, and I am so proud of how these two handle themselves.

My parents are both working harder than ever, and I am so thankful for all that they do for me. They put me through school, they work, and they still have time to be my therapist when I call late at night. I have been blessed with the most amazing parents in the world, and I wouldn't be here without them. They never cease to support me in everything I do, they constantly make sure that I know that they love me.

I got to skype with my family today and yes, we are dysfunctional, full of chaos, but no one ever doubts that we love each other. We got to see my sisters newly decorated house and all the halloween pinterest ideas she has, her growing tummy, i got to see my dogs, my family, and i got to laugh, joke, dance, show them my house, my bike, and how i live. but most of all i just got to be with my family for awhile.

I am so thankful for there support. They never stop worrying about me, my mom thinks i'm going to die out here on this island. They never stop making me laugh. And even though we are far apart, we are closer than ever. We miss each other, but we are all where we are supposed to be!

One Family. 4 States. Together...Forever.

Don't tell my mom...but I swam with sharks.

Playing a college sport takes up most of your time. Therefore, last year we didn't get he opportunity to do a lot of the island things. This year, we got here early, and decided to try to do a few of the things we've been wanting them to do. One of the things we have been waiting to do is chinaman's hat. That would be this.

It's basically a mountain that you can swim/walk out to when the tide is low. It takes about 20-30 minutes to get to. The first time we went, we went with my cousin and it was a super nice day, no waves, the tide was low so most of the time we could walk. We only got a few cuts and bruises from the reef dropping off in random areas. We climed the mountain, with little trouble (even though i was dying because I haven't exercised since shoulder surgery), but once we got to the top it was the most amazing thing. We watched the clouds move, and we truly got the sense for how lucky we are to live in such a beautiful place. On top of the mountain I felt so small, and I felt so lucky for the opportunity I have to be in Hawaii.

We started like this...

A few days later, me and tiffanee feeling adventurous decided to go again. It had been raining, but had cleared up. Wewere kind of hesitant but of course stupid us we decided to go. It took us forever to get out because the waves were pretty bad, and the tide was high so we had to swim with our boogie boards. Once on the island, it was muddy and slippery. Yet, after a lot of hesitation, hard work, sweat, and yelling, we got to the top. We spent lots of time up there waving to the people below, and crying to the thought of having to climb back down. Needless to say, a muddy steep mountain, rain, and shoes with no traction...I almost fell off a cliff.. but I caught myself, with my newly repaired shoulder. It was either fall off a cliff, or catch myself with my weak, nonexistant shoulder,i got a hurt arm and got a few scrapes...and a very angry kayla later, I got to the bottom.
At this point, it had started to look like it would start storming again... the waves were worse, and every time we tried to swim it felt like we were moving backwards.
It resulted in this

Don't let tiffanee's smile fool you.. we were not happy campers. We decided not to ever be spontaneous again. We also found out later that there was a shark alert and we could have been eaten alive. But don't worry mom... I only broke my shoulder in the process.

oh college students... we are so smart.

I live quite a rough life.

I am thankful for the opportunity I have to live in such an amazing place.. I spend my time with amazing people doing amazing things. I spend my days in flip flops, i travel by bike, the beach is a 3 minute walk from my front door, and the rainstorms put me to sleep at night, yes, it's a rough life.

Free from the Dorms....Hallelujia.

Here's my home in Laie, Hawaii....in picture mode.

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Gotta support my best friend in St. Louis :)

I am becoming wife material....kind of.

I don't know how I got the best roommates in all of the land, but I feel pretty blessed :)

The best dang missionary from across the pond

This boy.. is my everything.

He is serving in the London England Mission. And yes, he is an amazing missionary.

Our relationship has only gotten so much stronger since he's gone. I know that with the gospel as the foundation of our relationship, that we can do everything we possibly want or desire.

I am so thankful for the strength that he is for me, even from across the pond! He is always here for me, no matter what it is. He has gone through so much in the last 6 months, yet he is so positive. He shows me how I need to be through trials. He knows life shouldn't be easy, because it was never easy for the Lord.

THis boy challenges me and makes me better. He brings me closer to the lord, and his testimony makes mine stronger. He does his job so amazingly well, and I know he and I are exactly where we need to be. He is there, and I am here. and 2 years is so worth the eternity that we have the opportunity to have together.

He never fails to show me he loves me.. he does things like this..

He works so hard. He has built such amazing relationships with the people there and I am thankful for them, they take care of him :) He is an amazing missionary, and I know that there are people in London who have been waiting there whole lives for him. I believe in the work, and I know that he is exactly where he needs to be, and I know that the road he took to get there was meant to teach him and help him be the missionary he is today.

And the best part of it all, he has an amazing family that is my biggest support system. I think my family loves them more than they love me.. regardless, I am so thankful for our families and all they do for us.

the bird family :)

the best grandpa ever

my lover boy

mama harris! :) aka dixie normous

my favorite couple, haha poor lisa.

I'm Kayla, and I'm in 14th grade

College is a struggle...

Okay, it's not that bad, but sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it.

I like to sit in class and dream about what I would do if I wasn't in class. Probably save the world by jumping off buildings, not caring what angle and speed the wind is going or the location of the sun. Or maybe I would try my luck at sitting on a corner with a cardboard sign getting stared at and getting change and big macs thrown at me in pity.

I have decided that college is a lot easier when you study something that you actually enjoy. Social work is something that I didn't even know existed, but through taking classes, and my patriarchal blessing I know it's something that I'm supposed to do.

I've always been the person who stresses myself out, and doesn't let anything out. Well, in social worker I have learned that that is not okay. I am forced to talk about what I am feeling, and I have to be open about everything. Because how can I expect a client to if I don't? The best way to help yourself is help others...that's what I've learned so far, in the short week at school. Help yourself, spend your time thinking about others, don't judge them, and believe in them, because it takes faith and trust to tell someone what you're going through. Being involved in a career that's all about helping people is something that I will always be thankful for, because it has made me better. If you're in college, do something you love!

On top of college, we have softball. Softball at 5:30 in the morning, 9:00 at night, study hall for 2 hours, practice, weights... so much and it makes my head spin haha. It's amazing, we have new coaches, new players, and new beginnings for us all, and I am on the bench waiting for my shoulder to be healed. It's pretty hard watching everyone playing the game you love while you physically cannot be on the field.

If I have learned anything in college it's that I need to trust in the Lord with everything I have. Trials come because we need to be better. Challenges come because he knows we can handle them. And Everything has a reason and purpose. I believe that the Lord knows the end, while I can only see the right now. I have to trust in him to guide me through this year, even if I feel like I can't get through it right now. I am so thankful for the amazing friends I have and the roommates I have and the people who have become my family out here on this tiny island. Without them, I would probably die! April 2014...come faster!!!