WE CAN DO IT.

Oh Darling,



I've always been the girl who felt so comfortable in her own skin. [That'll never last right?]. I got into college and all of the sudden I wasn't skinny enough, or pretty enough. I wasn't able to talk to boys, I wasn't popular enough to be invited to parties, or to have the boy walk me around town. I wasn't smart enough to get the best grades, or funny enough not to. Right??

High school and college, for girls specifically is a hostile environment to grow up in. Your hair has to be a certain way, your clothes have to come from the best stores, and if they're not a size 0 don't even bother. Doing good in school is looked down upon, and staying up late on the weekends is for popular people. And day after day we feel like WE ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. All day every day, the Lord says YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH, YOU ARE PRETTY ENOUGH, the Lord says YES, but the world says NO.



We let these skewed perceptions seep from the glossy pages of a magazine into our brains where they sit, simmer, and eventually take over our every thought, action, and outlook on not only ourselves but the people around us. We stop eating, we bury ourselves in homework, we exercise until we can't move, and we cry. The person in the mirror is ugly, fat, unhealthy, so we force ourselves into the bathroom, and do what many before us have done in order to fit this perception of perfection. Pain takes over our every thought, to the point where nothing else can dull it out, so we turn to drugs, alcohol, or we inflict it on ourselves. As the knife hits our skin, the sting of the blood makes it's way out of the fresh incision and for that moment we forget the pain that our lives bring. Social pressures, religion, school, family, and friends added to the daily stress that LIFE itself brings each day. And when it's all said and done we look back on these acts of self inflicted pain and feel worse because of the WEAK people we must be. Right?



Each and every one of us has strengths. Whether that's saying one good thing about ourselves, or someone else each day. Or whether it's as simple as we brushed our teeth this morning. Every single one of us has strengths. Strengths aren't prizes. You don't need a calling in the church to be a good member of the church, you don't need to graduate with honors to be smart, and you don't need to win the nobel peace prize to do service. As individuals, the Lord has given us strengths, and weaknesses. These weaknesses aren't to level the playing field, or to prove to us that He is better than us. The Lord gives us the weaknesses to give us OPPORTUNITY. He opens up the door for us not only to have STRENGTH, but to get STRONGER. Every weakness he places in our lives is him giving us an opportunity to change. How will we rise to this challenge? Will we throw it away, and turn our backs on Him, on ourselves? Or will we take the challenge, and make our shortcomings, our strongest qualities?



Every single one of us have the opportunity to do something we ALL need help to do. We can change our way of thinking. Today, tell yourself YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Tell someone else. SHE IS BEAUTIFUL. Help someone. Not because you want to be thanked, but because you want them to feel loved! We all have these opportunities put in front of us, and I think I have been wasting a lot of them. The Lord puts so many doors wide open for me, but instead I choose to stay in the room I've always been in and refuse to venture out to the unknown. We are all special, and we all have strengths.



When we begin to see that the person next to us has a story, we will begin to change the way we see the world. We can invite love into our lives, not only by loving those around us but by loving ourselves. Love the fact that one boob is bigger than the other. Love the fact that Tan Fat looks better than White Fat. Love the fact that you can't control your eyebrow, and at the end of the day, love the fact that the Lord has given us the greatest blessing of all, LIFE. because we chose to come here. Not only were we strong before we came to Earth, but we were the STRONGEST. We chose to come to this world, at this time, and the Lord let us because HE KNOWS that we have the strength to survive what the world has prepared for us.



You are beautiful. There is someone out there who loves you, who thinks about you, and who is rooting you on. You have worth. You are smart, you are worthy, and you have so many strengths. Weaknesses are only an opportunity to strengthen what is already strong. YOU deserve to be here, YOU deserve to live. WE CAN DO THIS. We can live this life, we can love this life, and we can kick life's ass right back.

So all the bad feelings about yourself, about others, and about life?



Impossible is nothing. Change your thoughts, change the world. YOU ARE WORTH IT. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU HAVE PURPOSE. AND YOU... YOU HAVE STRENGTH.

Stay Classy, Kayla

Families are Forever

The cold silk of the blanket covered my toddler body. I looked up and could see the red glow from the light shining through the opaque fabric that had been worn through. Butterflies fluttered through my tummy as I swung back and forth through the air in my makeshift hammock. My laughs cut through the air as I thought to myself "Nothing can beat this moment".At that very moment,flying through the air, I felt free. When the swinging ceased and the blanket fell at my feet I caught my breath and looked up to see my sister and her husband laughing at the joy I got from something as simple as being swung back and forth in a blanket. What I didn't know as that toddler, was that 15 years later, sitting in Hawaii I would look back at that moment and the butterflies would begin to flutter, not because of the swinging but because of the joy I feel when I think of my sister. A sister that could never truly leave no matter how many unspoken days went between us, a sister that was brought to me through the foster system. My sister, Jessica.

I was too young to remember all of the details of my childhood, but I do remember the days that I got to spend with my new foster sister. She was older than me, brown haired, and I looked up to her. The fact that the blood pumping through our veins had no identical dna was the least of my worries. At that very young age I learned the very important lesson that family could be any shape, size, race, religion, and could come from any walk of life.

Jessica was just like me, we were family, and where we came from had little influence on how I felt about her, or the fact that someone new was going to be living at my house. She quickly became my sister. I remember sitting on the edge of the bed, refusing to get dressed. Jessica would pick up my pants slip it over my leg, and stick her eye close to the end of the hole. As my foot went in the first leg she would screech as my toe poked her eye. I would laugh and laugh, and quickly proceed to let her dress me as long as I could continue to poke her eyes out. The fact that she was never blinded by my little toes and fingers wasn't important. My sister found a way to connect to me, she found a way to make me smile, and make me laugh. She would sing to me, dress me, watch movies with me, and brush my hair.

Time went on, she grew up, and she got married. She had beautiful kids, and our lives drifted apart. We didn't talk, we didn't have each others numbers, we didn't have each others facebooks. Somewhere, out there, one of my sisters was walking around, that bond never gone, but slowly forgotten.

I went to junior high, high school, and soon ended up in Hawaii. I quickly knew that I was supposed to be a social work major, not knowing why, not knowing how, just trusting that the Lord lead me to the place that I was supposed to be. One year later, today, I am sitting in a Child Welfare class learning about foster families. "Many foster families have a hard time accepting foster children as their own". my teacher explained. I raised my hand and told him that I had a foster sister, and she was my sister, she was my family. I thought about Jessica often, wondered where she was, who she is, how her kids are, but never once did I take that step to find her.

My teacher assigned a book to read, it was about a foster child, growing up in the system. He had a hard time fitting in and each family he went to refused to let him into their family. I couldn't put the book down, my eyelids were drooping so I found a stopping point and put my ipad away until morning. I laid in my bed restless wondering about Jessica and all we had been through together. The next morning, I looked her up on facebook. [thank you technology]. I decided to write her a message, telling her how much those memories meant to me, and to thank her for all she did for me. To remind her that we would always be sisters. The response I got was unexpected.

She had been following my blog, she was amazed at the people my sister and I had become, and she was so thankful for my message. I sat and cried as I read her message. I had my sister back. The days unspoken, the distance, the wondering, all of that didn't matter. Because at that moment, she was the sister that let me poke her eyes, and would swing me in the hammock. Her family is beautiful, she is an amazing mom, and she has made such an amazing life for herself.

I am so thankful for this gospel. I am thankful that the Lord knows what is right, and why it's right. I have seen the doors open as I continue to strive to do what is right for me, and I am so thankful for that. I am so lucky to have reconnected with such an amazing part of my life, and I am so excited to see what the future holds for the Atkin family, now that we are all back together again. We can build new memories, be apart of each others lives, and see what the Lord has in store for all of us now that we are ready for each other. I am so thankful for technology, and the opportunity I have to reach out to someone from my past that I never thought I would talk to or see ever again.

I look up, and the glow of the computer screen looks back at me as the tears run down my face. I chuckle through the tears at the recollection of my childhood memories. I smile to myself, as I read my sisters words, knowing that something so simple, could bring so much joy to my sister and me. My sister, jessica. Families are Forever.

Decisions, Decisions

Today was another Lady Seasider Softball Game. The greatest feeling is being able to support those girls on and off the field. They have been so supportive to me with my decision to leave the team, and focus on other things and I don't think any of them know how grateful I am for that. There undeniable sense of comfort, and love that they have shown me is irreplaceable.

I woke up today knowing that I wouldn't be lacing up my cleats, but that I would show up and take pictures and cheer on my friends. The day started out as any other, I made breakfast, got ready, and headed over to the field. I think the moment it hit me was when I took my seat directly outside the dugout fence. The only time I have been on the outside of any softball fence is when I am watching a team, other than my own. I gritted my teeth and was genuinely happy to be out there watching my girls play the game that we ALL love. It was interesting, sitting and watching from outside the fence, seeing the way the cleats hit the bases, the ball hit the glove, and the bat hit the balls. I was in tune with what seemed to be every single sense I could possibly have. It's as if I was outside myself looking in on the game that I walked away from. I could see the way the wind had control over the dirt, the way the grass looked when the outfielders cleats dug into it and the way the mound looked as the pitcher took her position. Watching those girls put their helmets on was bitter sweet for me. I was so proud of them, for their hitting, their cheering, and the way they played in that game. But somewhere inside me I could feel a part of my heart twinge at the sight of the game, that I would probably never get back as a player.

The very girls that have made me feel so welcome on the field were now the force that kept me outside the fence, without even knowing it. They are so supportive, and so loving, and I am so thankful for each of them. I could tell that with every waking second I was slowly becoming more of a fan and less of a teammate. That feeling of not belonging quickly came over me as I walked out of the fence and towards my car. In that very moment I could feel the memories of all of the hours I have spent on the dirt quickly fade away with the dust I was leaving behind me as I walked. I fumbled with the keys to my car as I became more and more emotional, I finally got the door open and I felt my body sink into the hot leather that was my seat. My body began to shake and the sound of my tears filled my car, leaving me alone in an empty silence, with an empty heart. Does a tree that falls alone still make a sound? My mind wandered to all of the teammates I've had over the years and I wondered at that moment if maybe somewhere deep inside each one of them a little piece of them knew that those softball days were over. That all those days and nights, mornings, holidays, hours, minutes,and weekends we spent on the field were slowly dissipating into a time zone that we can never get back?

Now don't get me wrong, I chose to walk away. I made that choice and will stand by it until the day I died. However, the hurt of losing something that I have given so much to will never stop affecting me. I walked away in order to put myself in a position to better myself, and hopefully in the long run, make me happier. I know that I made the right choice, and that ultimately I will be better off, but right now it still hurts.

I feel as though a very part of me has been taken from me, and not yet replaced. I know that I've given up something I love in order to have it filled with something that will make me even better, but I guess my emotions are clouding that decision right now. I know that I made the right choice and I am happy, I guess right now the realization of losing something so important to me is setting in.

As we grow up we realize that we lose things that we never thought we would. High school football games, friends, our good figures, and our hair. We lose things like our desire to go out dancing, and our love for midnight showings. We lose so much that sometimes we feel like getting older is the worst thing that could ever happen to us. But one day it clicks. One day we realize that we lose those things so that new bigger and better things can come into our lives and make us who we are. We lose our letterman jackets, and our prom crowns, and gain wedding rings and a college education, all the while facing challenges that help us to learn and to grow day by day. The Lord challenges us because we are strong enough to handle it. Put away your life plan and open up your scriptures, read your patriarchal blessing because sometimes the Lord has something entirely different than what you have in mind. We lose our desire to make a plan, and gain the desire to follow the Lord and listen to his guidance. His willingness to stand by us in the worst of times is greater than any high school friendship, or relationship we could have had.

The days I feel like I have lost the most, are the days where I realize I HAVE the most. I've lost things that I love, but I have gained a knowledge and a testimony of this gospel that I never would have had without those trials. The days we feel like we don't have enough we need to realize we don't GIVE enough. There is always something more, something better, and WE CAN ACHIEVE IT, but first, we must turn our heads from the left to the right and stop looking behind us and start looking forward.

"Make a decision and stand by it, because your choices are all that you have". -a friend

"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. he therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit".-Richard G. Scott