WE CAN DO IT.

Oh Darling,



I've always been the girl who felt so comfortable in her own skin. [That'll never last right?]. I got into college and all of the sudden I wasn't skinny enough, or pretty enough. I wasn't able to talk to boys, I wasn't popular enough to be invited to parties, or to have the boy walk me around town. I wasn't smart enough to get the best grades, or funny enough not to. Right??

High school and college, for girls specifically is a hostile environment to grow up in. Your hair has to be a certain way, your clothes have to come from the best stores, and if they're not a size 0 don't even bother. Doing good in school is looked down upon, and staying up late on the weekends is for popular people. And day after day we feel like WE ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. All day every day, the Lord says YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH, YOU ARE PRETTY ENOUGH, the Lord says YES, but the world says NO.



We let these skewed perceptions seep from the glossy pages of a magazine into our brains where they sit, simmer, and eventually take over our every thought, action, and outlook on not only ourselves but the people around us. We stop eating, we bury ourselves in homework, we exercise until we can't move, and we cry. The person in the mirror is ugly, fat, unhealthy, so we force ourselves into the bathroom, and do what many before us have done in order to fit this perception of perfection. Pain takes over our every thought, to the point where nothing else can dull it out, so we turn to drugs, alcohol, or we inflict it on ourselves. As the knife hits our skin, the sting of the blood makes it's way out of the fresh incision and for that moment we forget the pain that our lives bring. Social pressures, religion, school, family, and friends added to the daily stress that LIFE itself brings each day. And when it's all said and done we look back on these acts of self inflicted pain and feel worse because of the WEAK people we must be. Right?



Each and every one of us has strengths. Whether that's saying one good thing about ourselves, or someone else each day. Or whether it's as simple as we brushed our teeth this morning. Every single one of us has strengths. Strengths aren't prizes. You don't need a calling in the church to be a good member of the church, you don't need to graduate with honors to be smart, and you don't need to win the nobel peace prize to do service. As individuals, the Lord has given us strengths, and weaknesses. These weaknesses aren't to level the playing field, or to prove to us that He is better than us. The Lord gives us the weaknesses to give us OPPORTUNITY. He opens up the door for us not only to have STRENGTH, but to get STRONGER. Every weakness he places in our lives is him giving us an opportunity to change. How will we rise to this challenge? Will we throw it away, and turn our backs on Him, on ourselves? Or will we take the challenge, and make our shortcomings, our strongest qualities?



Every single one of us have the opportunity to do something we ALL need help to do. We can change our way of thinking. Today, tell yourself YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Tell someone else. SHE IS BEAUTIFUL. Help someone. Not because you want to be thanked, but because you want them to feel loved! We all have these opportunities put in front of us, and I think I have been wasting a lot of them. The Lord puts so many doors wide open for me, but instead I choose to stay in the room I've always been in and refuse to venture out to the unknown. We are all special, and we all have strengths.



When we begin to see that the person next to us has a story, we will begin to change the way we see the world. We can invite love into our lives, not only by loving those around us but by loving ourselves. Love the fact that one boob is bigger than the other. Love the fact that Tan Fat looks better than White Fat. Love the fact that you can't control your eyebrow, and at the end of the day, love the fact that the Lord has given us the greatest blessing of all, LIFE. because we chose to come here. Not only were we strong before we came to Earth, but we were the STRONGEST. We chose to come to this world, at this time, and the Lord let us because HE KNOWS that we have the strength to survive what the world has prepared for us.



You are beautiful. There is someone out there who loves you, who thinks about you, and who is rooting you on. You have worth. You are smart, you are worthy, and you have so many strengths. Weaknesses are only an opportunity to strengthen what is already strong. YOU deserve to be here, YOU deserve to live. WE CAN DO THIS. We can live this life, we can love this life, and we can kick life's ass right back.

So all the bad feelings about yourself, about others, and about life?



Impossible is nothing. Change your thoughts, change the world. YOU ARE WORTH IT. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU HAVE PURPOSE. AND YOU... YOU HAVE STRENGTH.

Stay Classy, Kayla

Families are Forever

The cold silk of the blanket covered my toddler body. I looked up and could see the red glow from the light shining through the opaque fabric that had been worn through. Butterflies fluttered through my tummy as I swung back and forth through the air in my makeshift hammock. My laughs cut through the air as I thought to myself "Nothing can beat this moment".At that very moment,flying through the air, I felt free. When the swinging ceased and the blanket fell at my feet I caught my breath and looked up to see my sister and her husband laughing at the joy I got from something as simple as being swung back and forth in a blanket. What I didn't know as that toddler, was that 15 years later, sitting in Hawaii I would look back at that moment and the butterflies would begin to flutter, not because of the swinging but because of the joy I feel when I think of my sister. A sister that could never truly leave no matter how many unspoken days went between us, a sister that was brought to me through the foster system. My sister, Jessica.

I was too young to remember all of the details of my childhood, but I do remember the days that I got to spend with my new foster sister. She was older than me, brown haired, and I looked up to her. The fact that the blood pumping through our veins had no identical dna was the least of my worries. At that very young age I learned the very important lesson that family could be any shape, size, race, religion, and could come from any walk of life.

Jessica was just like me, we were family, and where we came from had little influence on how I felt about her, or the fact that someone new was going to be living at my house. She quickly became my sister. I remember sitting on the edge of the bed, refusing to get dressed. Jessica would pick up my pants slip it over my leg, and stick her eye close to the end of the hole. As my foot went in the first leg she would screech as my toe poked her eye. I would laugh and laugh, and quickly proceed to let her dress me as long as I could continue to poke her eyes out. The fact that she was never blinded by my little toes and fingers wasn't important. My sister found a way to connect to me, she found a way to make me smile, and make me laugh. She would sing to me, dress me, watch movies with me, and brush my hair.

Time went on, she grew up, and she got married. She had beautiful kids, and our lives drifted apart. We didn't talk, we didn't have each others numbers, we didn't have each others facebooks. Somewhere, out there, one of my sisters was walking around, that bond never gone, but slowly forgotten.

I went to junior high, high school, and soon ended up in Hawaii. I quickly knew that I was supposed to be a social work major, not knowing why, not knowing how, just trusting that the Lord lead me to the place that I was supposed to be. One year later, today, I am sitting in a Child Welfare class learning about foster families. "Many foster families have a hard time accepting foster children as their own". my teacher explained. I raised my hand and told him that I had a foster sister, and she was my sister, she was my family. I thought about Jessica often, wondered where she was, who she is, how her kids are, but never once did I take that step to find her.

My teacher assigned a book to read, it was about a foster child, growing up in the system. He had a hard time fitting in and each family he went to refused to let him into their family. I couldn't put the book down, my eyelids were drooping so I found a stopping point and put my ipad away until morning. I laid in my bed restless wondering about Jessica and all we had been through together. The next morning, I looked her up on facebook. [thank you technology]. I decided to write her a message, telling her how much those memories meant to me, and to thank her for all she did for me. To remind her that we would always be sisters. The response I got was unexpected.

She had been following my blog, she was amazed at the people my sister and I had become, and she was so thankful for my message. I sat and cried as I read her message. I had my sister back. The days unspoken, the distance, the wondering, all of that didn't matter. Because at that moment, she was the sister that let me poke her eyes, and would swing me in the hammock. Her family is beautiful, she is an amazing mom, and she has made such an amazing life for herself.

I am so thankful for this gospel. I am thankful that the Lord knows what is right, and why it's right. I have seen the doors open as I continue to strive to do what is right for me, and I am so thankful for that. I am so lucky to have reconnected with such an amazing part of my life, and I am so excited to see what the future holds for the Atkin family, now that we are all back together again. We can build new memories, be apart of each others lives, and see what the Lord has in store for all of us now that we are ready for each other. I am so thankful for technology, and the opportunity I have to reach out to someone from my past that I never thought I would talk to or see ever again.

I look up, and the glow of the computer screen looks back at me as the tears run down my face. I chuckle through the tears at the recollection of my childhood memories. I smile to myself, as I read my sisters words, knowing that something so simple, could bring so much joy to my sister and me. My sister, jessica. Families are Forever.

Decisions, Decisions

Today was another Lady Seasider Softball Game. The greatest feeling is being able to support those girls on and off the field. They have been so supportive to me with my decision to leave the team, and focus on other things and I don't think any of them know how grateful I am for that. There undeniable sense of comfort, and love that they have shown me is irreplaceable.

I woke up today knowing that I wouldn't be lacing up my cleats, but that I would show up and take pictures and cheer on my friends. The day started out as any other, I made breakfast, got ready, and headed over to the field. I think the moment it hit me was when I took my seat directly outside the dugout fence. The only time I have been on the outside of any softball fence is when I am watching a team, other than my own. I gritted my teeth and was genuinely happy to be out there watching my girls play the game that we ALL love. It was interesting, sitting and watching from outside the fence, seeing the way the cleats hit the bases, the ball hit the glove, and the bat hit the balls. I was in tune with what seemed to be every single sense I could possibly have. It's as if I was outside myself looking in on the game that I walked away from. I could see the way the wind had control over the dirt, the way the grass looked when the outfielders cleats dug into it and the way the mound looked as the pitcher took her position. Watching those girls put their helmets on was bitter sweet for me. I was so proud of them, for their hitting, their cheering, and the way they played in that game. But somewhere inside me I could feel a part of my heart twinge at the sight of the game, that I would probably never get back as a player.

The very girls that have made me feel so welcome on the field were now the force that kept me outside the fence, without even knowing it. They are so supportive, and so loving, and I am so thankful for each of them. I could tell that with every waking second I was slowly becoming more of a fan and less of a teammate. That feeling of not belonging quickly came over me as I walked out of the fence and towards my car. In that very moment I could feel the memories of all of the hours I have spent on the dirt quickly fade away with the dust I was leaving behind me as I walked. I fumbled with the keys to my car as I became more and more emotional, I finally got the door open and I felt my body sink into the hot leather that was my seat. My body began to shake and the sound of my tears filled my car, leaving me alone in an empty silence, with an empty heart. Does a tree that falls alone still make a sound? My mind wandered to all of the teammates I've had over the years and I wondered at that moment if maybe somewhere deep inside each one of them a little piece of them knew that those softball days were over. That all those days and nights, mornings, holidays, hours, minutes,and weekends we spent on the field were slowly dissipating into a time zone that we can never get back?

Now don't get me wrong, I chose to walk away. I made that choice and will stand by it until the day I died. However, the hurt of losing something that I have given so much to will never stop affecting me. I walked away in order to put myself in a position to better myself, and hopefully in the long run, make me happier. I know that I made the right choice, and that ultimately I will be better off, but right now it still hurts.

I feel as though a very part of me has been taken from me, and not yet replaced. I know that I've given up something I love in order to have it filled with something that will make me even better, but I guess my emotions are clouding that decision right now. I know that I made the right choice and I am happy, I guess right now the realization of losing something so important to me is setting in.

As we grow up we realize that we lose things that we never thought we would. High school football games, friends, our good figures, and our hair. We lose things like our desire to go out dancing, and our love for midnight showings. We lose so much that sometimes we feel like getting older is the worst thing that could ever happen to us. But one day it clicks. One day we realize that we lose those things so that new bigger and better things can come into our lives and make us who we are. We lose our letterman jackets, and our prom crowns, and gain wedding rings and a college education, all the while facing challenges that help us to learn and to grow day by day. The Lord challenges us because we are strong enough to handle it. Put away your life plan and open up your scriptures, read your patriarchal blessing because sometimes the Lord has something entirely different than what you have in mind. We lose our desire to make a plan, and gain the desire to follow the Lord and listen to his guidance. His willingness to stand by us in the worst of times is greater than any high school friendship, or relationship we could have had.

The days I feel like I have lost the most, are the days where I realize I HAVE the most. I've lost things that I love, but I have gained a knowledge and a testimony of this gospel that I never would have had without those trials. The days we feel like we don't have enough we need to realize we don't GIVE enough. There is always something more, something better, and WE CAN ACHIEVE IT, but first, we must turn our heads from the left to the right and stop looking behind us and start looking forward.

"Make a decision and stand by it, because your choices are all that you have". -a friend

"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. he therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit".-Richard G. Scott

Losses and Gains

Sometimes we are faced with decisions that seem like life ending, but on the contrary, they are life CHANGING. Life is far from over, why live each day with no hope for tomorrow, with no hope for change? My entire life softball has been my everything. I remember standing in my backyard with a bucket of balls by my side, and a bat in my hand, and hitting until I couldn't hit anymore. That feeling I get when I kneel before a field, lacing up those cleats and buttoning my jersey is indescribable. I love everything about the game. I love the smell of the dirt when it gets watered down, and the feel of the freshly mowed grass beneath my cleats. I love the feeling of the raised laces on the ball against my fingertips, and the way my glove fits perfectly against MY hand. I love the sound the bat makes as the ball comes off of it, I love diving, the blood, and the sweat. I love the team, the coaches, and the feeling of coming back from behind to win a game. I love the feeling that I get as the crowd goes silent and all there is is a chalk line in front of me and a base waiting for me to reach. But most of all, I love the feeling of knowing I can be better than myself, that I can overcome trials, and struggles. It sounds so cliche, but softball has been more than a game to me. It has taught me to stand up for what I believe, to work hard, and to not care what others think. It has taught me that I can do better than myself, and be better than what I ever thought possible. Softball has brought me to Hawaii. Without the game that I love I never would have come out here. And now, softball is the last thing that matters to me. I see now that there are so many more important things in this life than a game. There is school, family, and friends. These things that I've learned has helped me realize that sometimes we have to let go of things that we love in order to get something better. Quitting has always had such a negative connotation in my mind. It always meant giving up, loser, someone who doesn't work hard enough, walking away. But I finally realized something. Sometimes quitting means giving up a bad situation, losing something that is hurting you more than it's helping you, working harder to be happy than to say you're not a quitter, and walking away from something that you love so much, but not enough to stay when you know it's hurting everything else. My entire life softball has been my everything, but now I realize that softball became something that was causing me more stress and problems than it was helping me. It used to be the one thing I could go to to get rid of all my worries, and now it has become what gives me all my worries. I could see how much softball was affecting my family and my school work. I finally realized that in two months it wasn't going to mean anything, not this way. Softball will always be a part of my life. I love the game more than anything, but it will be in my life on MY terms. I hope one day I can be a coach that everyone can look up to, that can not only teach them how to play the game, but teach them about life. I lose something that I love in order to gain a happier, healthier me and a me that can succeed in other things, besides the one thing I have focused on my entire life. I am so thankful for softball, it got me here to Hawaii, and it has taught me so much. But more importantly, I am so thankful for my family and friends who are always so supportive of me. Sometimes, we have to lose something we love to gain something greater.

Grateful

Today I am thankful for people in my life who are there no matter what. I am thankful for supportive parents who never leave my side. They are the biggest support system in my life, and I am so thankful for that. My family is the best thing that has ever happened to me

When I became a social work major, I had this overwhelming feeling that It was exaclty what I was supposed to do. I have the hardest time opening up and sharing my feelings and emotions, but through this major I have been able to open up and share things that I never thought I would share. I see how important it is to share things that you have been holding in for years.

I am so thankful for friends, and family who are the biggest strength in my life. It is so freeing to have people next to me who want to listen, who make me feel like I am not alone.

My greatest desire in this social work major is that I can sit across from someone going through what I have, and being able to tell them that they are not alone. I wrote in my journal earlier "I hope that everyone that I come in contact with from now until the day I die feel as though they can share their deepest fears and secrets with me without fearing judgement, or the feeling like I am minimizing their feelings".

Every single feeling, every single person has a story. I have learned in the short time I have studied as a social worker, that the biggest smile on the face of someone could be hiding the deepest of internal hurt and pain.

I don't know if anyone even reads my blog. It's mostly for myself, to be able to let out the things that I am feeling. But I hope, that if by chance someone reads this post, that they know that they are not alone in anything that they are feeling. That even if they have been carrying something around with them for 15 years, that it is freeing to let it out and tell someone. That even if they feel like their problem and trials are not as important or as big as the person next to them, that their is no harm in a hug, or a good shoulder to cry in. I hope that everyone that I come in contact with knows that they can always come to me in anything. I don't care if we've never talked, I don't care if we've had a fight, or if you feel like I don't like you. If that's the case then it's my fault and my shortcomings that have made you feel that way. I hope that whoever is reading this knows, that you are not alone. That YOU matter. that YOUR trials MATTER. That you don't have to put on a happy face all the time. That there is someone there who wants to listen, who cares to listen, and who has been through things just like everyone else.

You are NEVER alone. We have each other. We have the strength of the world in our hands. The Lord is always here. The lord is the foundation of all that is good in this world. Turn to it. Turn to me.

We are never alone. For all of the people I have ever talked to. Thank you for your smiles, for your hellos, for your love. I am so thankful for everyone in my life who has made me who I am today. Who has made me feel like I can do anything. Thank you for being my friends, for my family. And for getting me through my trials each day.

You are never alone. WE are never alone. EVERYBODY LOVE EVERYBODY.

rough livin

I'm so very lucky for these ladies. I came to school here at BYUH not knowing if I would ever find friends like the ones back home. But I am so lucky to say that I have. I am so lucky to say that the women who I want in my wedding are the lovely ladies who live with me here on this island. I am so lucky for the opportunity to meet such amazing people even an ocean away from home.

I had an amazing weekend with these girls. Girls who can make me laugh, who support me, who are here for me whenever I need them. These girls are my best friends. I am so thankful to live in such a beautiful place, surrounded by the beauty that the Lord blesses us with each day. Lanakai. The water is clearer than a swimming pool, and the air is sweet.

This is the HI life.

Letter To Me...

Dear Kayla, Stop stressing, you’re assignments are not due for a week, and that A you’re studying for is not going to make you a better friend, girlfriend, or wife.

Drink lots of water, and take care of your body. I know you are the girl who never gets hurt, but that will soon change. You will suffer injuries that you never thought you would. Your body needs to be strong, it needs to be strong so you can overcome the physical challenges that surgeries, and days off will have on it. Your mind needs to be strong, to overcome the “if’s, no’s, but’s, and maybe’s” that people will throw at you when you’re down. You need to be confident in your abilities and know that YOU can do anything that you want to do. But most of all, strengthen the muscle that matters most, the heart. Strengthen your heart so that It can take the negative, annoying, brutal challenges that you will go through. Teach it to love what’s important, and teach it to never doubt itself. You control YOU.

Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and stop crying about the fight you had because your friend said something behind your back. That’s life. Stop crying and turn around. See that? That’s your little sister crying because some boy broke her heart.. forget yourself and pick HER up, she’s going to need you, she’s going to need you and you better be there for her, because if you let her down..you let YOU down.

Those friends? Those friends won’t be here in a year or two, don’t worry you will all move on to bigger and better things. Learn from them, learn from them and teach them. Make each other better. Prepare yourself for new friendships, and open yourself up to people you never thought you would get along with. Stop disrespecting your mom, and stop yelling at dad. Hug them, and tell them how important they are to you, because in a few years you might be living far far away, and on those days where you wish you could just have a hug, they won’t be there. Your sisters will be your truest and closest friends, don’t waste another day fighting, yelling, and putting others in front of them. Family is everything, learn that now so you won’t have to later.

Do good in school, but don’t plan your future out perfectly. Trust in the Lord in everything you do, he will show you exactly where you need to be. Go to church, study the scriptures, and believe in what you’re being taught..because in a few years you don’t want to be playing catch up for all those times you didn’t go to seminary.

Softball, love the moments where the dirt gets in your mouth, and blood stains your uniform. Cherish the times you have on the road, and the people in the stands who spend countless hours cheering you on. Recognize the coaches you have, you have no idea how much they will truly influence and shape you in the future. Laugh with your team, get sunburned, laugh at your tanlines, and go for the extra base…because one day you will be wishing you could have all those summer days back again, for one more round. Love your teammates, they will be life long friends and you will all go your separate ways. But don’t you worry, those summer nights, and those long days will forever tie you to each other..with an inextricable bond of friendship, and love, and family.

Learn to love yourself Kayla, Learn to love those around you, and learn to love those you don’t understand. You have your family, the lord, and you might just meet a few pretty great friends over the years. Don’t forget how much they impact you each and every day.

Smile, your smile will be your strength, your light, everything that you do do with a smile, because you will see the importance of being positive. Staying positive. And seeing the good in the world.

And always remember….

You have a week to finish that assignment, so go out and goof off a little will ya?

See you soon,

The future you.

Those Three Words..

Growing up as a girl... wait, that sounds wrong.

As girls we have this label on us to be sexy, smart, good at cooking, and thin.

I work out more than the average person, I spend 5 hours a day on the softball field, and in the weight room. When I got shoudler surgery of course that all came to a crashing halt.The shoulder is so sensitive, they won't let me run sprints, or jump, or swim, nothing. It's been super hard to watch my team work out and feel like I'm lazy, but I do as much as I can. They're throwing up 125 pounds of weights, while I am using my thera bands in the corner haha. It's definitely a humbling experience when you have to psychologically work yourself up to pick up a 5 pound weight.

I am thankful that I am blessed with a desire to want to be active, I know how important it is and how hugely it can effect us in our lives in the future.

As girls, we are more sensitive to this subject, because we feel like if we aren't thin enough, or tall enough, or pretty enough that we can't accomplish our dreams, or our goals. That no one will love us or accept us.

I have definitely caught myself worrying about the number on the scale, more than how I feel about myself. I will be the first to admit (okay maybe second) that I look at girls and immediately judge them by their weight, or their hair, or their clothes. Either "I am glad I am not like that", or "I wish I had her body". I can never just be content with my own body, and I am never content with those around me either, because it's put in our heads everyday that we aren't good enough.

Today those three words that no girl ever wants to hear were said to me by a trainer (who was male). "You are Fat". But it's okay because he opened it up with "Don't take it personally". My first instinct was to be super mad because what girl was not going to take that personally, especially one who is crippled and feels like the laziest person on earth and has been doing everything she can to work out. My second reaction was to bawl my eyes out on the phone with my mom.

I then proceeded to run 2 miles, and bike 5, and I still felt the same disgusting, feeling, and those three little words playing over and over in the back of my mind. I did abs, I ran some more, and nothing changed. Too often am I telling myself "I'm fat", "She's fat", only to feel the burn of those very same words coming out of someone elses mouth.

Not only with weight, but any sort of insecurity, one person saying it can make you feel like there is no end, there is no overcoming it. No matter how simple or small that insecurity is. Our words are so important, it's the only thing that we ALWAYS have, that we can ALWAYS control. The minute we say something, it cannot be taken back. Our words are so impacting in the lives of the people we come in contact with.

For those of you feeling insecure, about weight, or anything else..know that you are not alone. Know that the girl who plays five hours of softball, weights, and conditiong a day still feels conscious about her weight. Know that there are people, all around us no matter how perfect they may seem that struggle with insecurities. It's up to us, their friends, their family, the stranger on the street, to do everything we can to build people up and not tear them down. A smile, a compliment, it doesn't matter. But no words at all are better than words of hate, judgement, or stereotypes.

YOU are beautiful. WE are beautiful. The Lord made us this way, HIS way.. and we should be proud. Weight is a number, not a way of life, not how much love we have in our hearts, or the information in our brains, or the limits to our dreams.

Next time you look in that mirror, just remember that there is at least one person, who thinks YOU are beautiful. YOU matter. What you do, what you say, what you think matters. Don't ever let three little words, or any at that take away from the goodness inside us all. There is only ONE standard that matters, the Lords.

insanity at it's finest

It's been quite some time since i've indulged myself in a "pity me" party. I typically try not to allow myself to cry.. because for some reason I feel like it's a sign of weakness, only coming from me though. I think it's perfectly logical for anyone else to cry, but me? cry? NEVER.

I have this idea that I am not allowed to help myself, and I have to help everyone else. Heroic? Hardly. More like a case of pride taking over. The words "I'm fine" should be banned from my vocabulary, these days. My shrink is this keyboard, so sometimes I need to be able to turn to writing and say, "I'm not fine". And the devil on my left is telling me that's not okay, but on the other hand I know it's okay to break down sometimes.

I am the most stressful person on the planet, if it was an award, I would surely have the perctly polished gold trophy sitting on the shelf above my bed. Unfortunately for me, stress is usually the foundation of the battles I fight with myself everyday. For those of you fighting to win that trophy...give up now, this is one competition I think I will win every time.

I can't seem to get through the first day of classes without having a mini stroke at the stack of work I will have for the next semester. I also can't fall asleep at night without going through everything I have to do the next day. And that can opener? That can opener that I cannot seem to learn how to use might just be the death of me. Insane? Probably. To my future kids: just put me in an institution, and feed me applesauce, and read me dr. suess books, I will be perfectly content.

I had a little bit of a breakdown, but my roommate came to the rescue with encouraging words of wisdom, and prayer. I am thankful for roommates who are so willing to listen, and whose first words of advice, are turn to the Lord.

I am thankful for priesthood blessings and the burdens they have the power to lift. For all of the girls: Thank those who are worthy to give priesthood blessings. In this day and age it is NOT easy to be worthy, and I am so thankful for all the boys who surround me who are not only worthy but willing to help all of us girls who are on the edge of a meltdown. That time of the month is not our only excuse to have a breakdrown. Sometimes we need to just let it out, and have a breakdown...but once it's done, pick yourself up and dust yourself off and move forward stronger than ever.

I may be crazy, but I'm thankful for the support of all the other crazy people in the world who get me through my pity parties.

Nothin a little oreos, and prayer can't fix.

Thankful

I think that sometimes having a hard day makes you realize how lucky you are.

I have been going through some stressful situations in college (who doesn't right?), and I have found myself more and more upset each day.

The little things are the things that just build up over time and I finally just break down

But today, I realized something.

One of my amazing, strong, and beast modes of a friend is in the hospital undergoing another round of chemotherapy. Not from cancer for the first time, but for the second. My mom also has a friend who is going through cancer for the third time. My heart aches, and I cry for the amazing people in my life who have faced trials that most everyone on this earth have the luxury of NOT facing, including me.

Today a kid in my institute class stood up and shared something with the class that changed my whole sophomore year of college so far. I realized that I am so blessed to be healthy, to see, to breathe, and to walk. I don't have cancer, I don't have to fear for my life, and I don't have a broken family. I don't have any physical disability (besides my broken shoulder), and I don't have mental disability. Nothing that is wrong with me now, can't be fixed. And there are a lot of people who cannot say the same.

I am thankful for trials in my life, to make me realize that MY trials, are miniscule compared to what a lot of other people have to deal with.

I know we are not challenged over that which we are able to handle. And I am so proud of my friend for being so strong in all of her challenges. I am also thankful for the people who support her everyday, and make her stronger.

without weakness, none of us would know strength. Without sorrow, there would be no happiness, and without each other, none of it would have a purpose anyway.

Today I am thankful for the smiles, the texts, the letters, the phone calls, the waves, the hello's, and the conversations from people familiar, or strangers who have made my hard days just a little bit better. It is true.. it takes a village to raise a child, and I am thankful for the thousands of people I have come in contact with in my life who have shaped me through my trials and struggles

Sunday Pondering.

Ever Since I have gotten into the social work program I have realized that talking is a good thing. When I was little, I was such a little stress ball (I still am). My mom would beg and beg for me to just talk about what I was feeling instead of keeping them in. I'm pretty sure I put here through a lot of hellish days because of my inability to communicate how I felt.

I would keep everything bottled up inside until eventually one day it would explode. Whether I took that frustration out on the field, on myself, or on an innocent bystander (mostly my mom), it never ended good. I never felt like I had the ability to put words to my emotions. That's why I started writing, and why I started this blog. As a place for me to go to let things out, because that was the only way I would say what I felt. I can't even count how many times my mom said "Kayla write to me if you're not going to talk", because she knew that that was the only way she could get through to me.

I'm super bad with telling people how I feel, good or bad. I'm not good at showing how happy I am, even if I've never been happier. people always ask me if I'm upset, because I don't always know how to show my emotions, even if I'm super happy that day. But from day one in the social work program, I have been challenged to talk about my feelings, talk about things in my past, and talk about things that I want. It's a challenge for me, because I am always the one to say "I'm fine, i don't care, I don't know". I think the Lord knew I needed help in this department and that's why he guided me to it. I have learned so much about myself through the social work program. I have learned how to be better, I love studying, and I know that a career in helping people is something I have always wanted to do. The funny thing is, I didn't even know social work existed before I came to BYU.

When I first got the phone call from the coach at BYU Hawaii, I knew I wanted to come. I also knew that if I didn't play softball that I probably wouldn't come to Hawaii, it was just so far away, and if I didn't have a team and something to do all the time I was probably just going to stay in Utah.

The first year, softball definitely didn't go as planned. I tore my labrum, but played through it. Had a coach who didn't even come to practice, and hated most everything, and it was just the most mind draining challenging thing I've ever had to go through. I came home and got shoulder surgery so I could play. This year, is a little better but it's still so draining. There are times when I ask myself why am I playing? If I was supposed to come here for softball why am I playing?

But then I realized, maybe Softball was just Heavenly Fathers way of getting me to come to BYU Hawaii so I could be put in front of the opportunities he needed me to receive. I never even knew what social work was until I came here and had a prompting to sign up for it as a general. The minute I walked into class I knew that was what I was supposed to do, and my patriarchal blessing confirmed that.

I have a testimony that heavenly father knows the end, while we only see the right now. Sometimes it's hard to trust in him, but I know that he does things in a way that things need to be done, not because we understand them. Maybe I'm not supposed to play softball, maybe that's not why I am here. But maybe, he placed me here so that I could figure out what I'm supposed to do in life, because somewhere down the road there is going to be a life that I am going to need to impact in some way or another. I have faith that He guides my every move, and that if we trust in him our lives will be impacted in a way we never thought possible.

What we think is right is no where near as important as what God thinks is right. I have a hard time communicating how I feel, I get frustrated, and one day it all explodes. But I know that Heavenly Father has put me here to learn how to communicate, to learn how to become better, and to maybe help some people along the way.

There is positivity in all things... even if we think we are on the path of darkness, trials, and mistakes I know that the Lord blesses us with knowledge and strength through all.

And through it all, I know that I am exactly where I need to be, even if it's not for the reasons I originally thought.

So for all those people who don't know how to communicate, or don't know how to show their emotions, sit down, and talk to someone. Ask about THEM. Ask about their life. Ask them how there day is on a scale of 1-10, and figure out what makes THEM stronger. Through the strength of others you find your own strength. And maybe, communication isn't such a bad thing.

Atkin's Around the World

Right now my family is spread out....far.

Angie and Evan are happily married, in a new house, with a little dog and Baby Aria on the way :) They live in Virginia, angie works (She just got registered in the state of virginia!), and evan serves our Country as a soldier in the army, which requires LOTS of traveling. He is currently in Colorado, while angie is stuck at home with the dog, the baby and the big giant house.

Shalana and Emily are at home in Utah, with mom and dad. Shalana and Emily are seniors in high school, just going to their Senior Homecoming (they are beautiful and I love them), they work, they play, and they are just trying to become people that they want to become. I know how hard it is to be in high school and have all sorts of pressure on you from the world around you, and I am so proud of how these two handle themselves.

My parents are both working harder than ever, and I am so thankful for all that they do for me. They put me through school, they work, and they still have time to be my therapist when I call late at night. I have been blessed with the most amazing parents in the world, and I wouldn't be here without them. They never cease to support me in everything I do, they constantly make sure that I know that they love me.

I got to skype with my family today and yes, we are dysfunctional, full of chaos, but no one ever doubts that we love each other. We got to see my sisters newly decorated house and all the halloween pinterest ideas she has, her growing tummy, i got to see my dogs, my family, and i got to laugh, joke, dance, show them my house, my bike, and how i live. but most of all i just got to be with my family for awhile.

I am so thankful for there support. They never stop worrying about me, my mom thinks i'm going to die out here on this island. They never stop making me laugh. And even though we are far apart, we are closer than ever. We miss each other, but we are all where we are supposed to be!

One Family. 4 States. Together...Forever.

Don't tell my mom...but I swam with sharks.

Playing a college sport takes up most of your time. Therefore, last year we didn't get he opportunity to do a lot of the island things. This year, we got here early, and decided to try to do a few of the things we've been wanting them to do. One of the things we have been waiting to do is chinaman's hat. That would be this.

It's basically a mountain that you can swim/walk out to when the tide is low. It takes about 20-30 minutes to get to. The first time we went, we went with my cousin and it was a super nice day, no waves, the tide was low so most of the time we could walk. We only got a few cuts and bruises from the reef dropping off in random areas. We climed the mountain, with little trouble (even though i was dying because I haven't exercised since shoulder surgery), but once we got to the top it was the most amazing thing. We watched the clouds move, and we truly got the sense for how lucky we are to live in such a beautiful place. On top of the mountain I felt so small, and I felt so lucky for the opportunity I have to be in Hawaii.

We started like this...

A few days later, me and tiffanee feeling adventurous decided to go again. It had been raining, but had cleared up. Wewere kind of hesitant but of course stupid us we decided to go. It took us forever to get out because the waves were pretty bad, and the tide was high so we had to swim with our boogie boards. Once on the island, it was muddy and slippery. Yet, after a lot of hesitation, hard work, sweat, and yelling, we got to the top. We spent lots of time up there waving to the people below, and crying to the thought of having to climb back down. Needless to say, a muddy steep mountain, rain, and shoes with no traction...I almost fell off a cliff.. but I caught myself, with my newly repaired shoulder. It was either fall off a cliff, or catch myself with my weak, nonexistant shoulder,i got a hurt arm and got a few scrapes...and a very angry kayla later, I got to the bottom.
At this point, it had started to look like it would start storming again... the waves were worse, and every time we tried to swim it felt like we were moving backwards.
It resulted in this

Don't let tiffanee's smile fool you.. we were not happy campers. We decided not to ever be spontaneous again. We also found out later that there was a shark alert and we could have been eaten alive. But don't worry mom... I only broke my shoulder in the process.

oh college students... we are so smart.

I live quite a rough life.

I am thankful for the opportunity I have to live in such an amazing place.. I spend my time with amazing people doing amazing things. I spend my days in flip flops, i travel by bike, the beach is a 3 minute walk from my front door, and the rainstorms put me to sleep at night, yes, it's a rough life.

Free from the Dorms....Hallelujia.

Here's my home in Laie, Hawaii....in picture mode.

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Gotta support my best friend in St. Louis :)

I am becoming wife material....kind of.

I don't know how I got the best roommates in all of the land, but I feel pretty blessed :)

The best dang missionary from across the pond

This boy.. is my everything.

He is serving in the London England Mission. And yes, he is an amazing missionary.

Our relationship has only gotten so much stronger since he's gone. I know that with the gospel as the foundation of our relationship, that we can do everything we possibly want or desire.

I am so thankful for the strength that he is for me, even from across the pond! He is always here for me, no matter what it is. He has gone through so much in the last 6 months, yet he is so positive. He shows me how I need to be through trials. He knows life shouldn't be easy, because it was never easy for the Lord.

THis boy challenges me and makes me better. He brings me closer to the lord, and his testimony makes mine stronger. He does his job so amazingly well, and I know he and I are exactly where we need to be. He is there, and I am here. and 2 years is so worth the eternity that we have the opportunity to have together.

He never fails to show me he loves me.. he does things like this..

He works so hard. He has built such amazing relationships with the people there and I am thankful for them, they take care of him :) He is an amazing missionary, and I know that there are people in London who have been waiting there whole lives for him. I believe in the work, and I know that he is exactly where he needs to be, and I know that the road he took to get there was meant to teach him and help him be the missionary he is today.

And the best part of it all, he has an amazing family that is my biggest support system. I think my family loves them more than they love me.. regardless, I am so thankful for our families and all they do for us.

the bird family :)

the best grandpa ever

my lover boy

mama harris! :) aka dixie normous

my favorite couple, haha poor lisa.

I'm Kayla, and I'm in 14th grade

College is a struggle...

Okay, it's not that bad, but sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it.

I like to sit in class and dream about what I would do if I wasn't in class. Probably save the world by jumping off buildings, not caring what angle and speed the wind is going or the location of the sun. Or maybe I would try my luck at sitting on a corner with a cardboard sign getting stared at and getting change and big macs thrown at me in pity.

I have decided that college is a lot easier when you study something that you actually enjoy. Social work is something that I didn't even know existed, but through taking classes, and my patriarchal blessing I know it's something that I'm supposed to do.

I've always been the person who stresses myself out, and doesn't let anything out. Well, in social worker I have learned that that is not okay. I am forced to talk about what I am feeling, and I have to be open about everything. Because how can I expect a client to if I don't? The best way to help yourself is help others...that's what I've learned so far, in the short week at school. Help yourself, spend your time thinking about others, don't judge them, and believe in them, because it takes faith and trust to tell someone what you're going through. Being involved in a career that's all about helping people is something that I will always be thankful for, because it has made me better. If you're in college, do something you love!

On top of college, we have softball. Softball at 5:30 in the morning, 9:00 at night, study hall for 2 hours, practice, weights... so much and it makes my head spin haha. It's amazing, we have new coaches, new players, and new beginnings for us all, and I am on the bench waiting for my shoulder to be healed. It's pretty hard watching everyone playing the game you love while you physically cannot be on the field.

If I have learned anything in college it's that I need to trust in the Lord with everything I have. Trials come because we need to be better. Challenges come because he knows we can handle them. And Everything has a reason and purpose. I believe that the Lord knows the end, while I can only see the right now. I have to trust in him to guide me through this year, even if I feel like I can't get through it right now. I am so thankful for the amazing friends I have and the roommates I have and the people who have become my family out here on this tiny island. Without them, I would probably die! April 2014...come faster!!!

I'm still alive..

I know, I know. I am not a blogger, nor a journal writer, nor an avid share your feelings enthusiast.. But sometimes, most of the time, writing is the only thing I can do that involves emotional honesty..or lack there of. Thanks to a family who keeps bugging me to update my blog... or again, lack there of... here we are.


There's been a lot of changes in my life lately.. growin up and all. Working full time in the summer, having a relationship over letters, getting shoulder surgery, and living on an island in the middle of the ocean. Some good, some not so good. But that's life right?


This post will not be organized, as if any of my other one's were.. but it's a post, and I guess that's a start.


Now that every girl in Utah Valley can go back to having a life on Monday nights, I feel the need to declare my position in this epic battle against class and humor (Jef obviously)and... well, i didn't really get anything from Arie besides his not so modest approach on swapping spit. But anyways... I do gladly, proudly, and loudly etch my name on the top of the Team Jef with One F roster.. all day, everyday. Don't pretend your heart doesn't melt at the site of that oh so "how does he even pull that off, give me some of that life saving, water making, sweet talking" hair of his. He's hansome, charming, saves the lives of people in Africa, and puts on pink goggles to impress Ricki...stop he's perfect. All you Arie lovers out there..it's fine, tryouts are already closed for Team Jef with one F.


Devcon Security, the new place I call home.. my home away from home..kinda. I work, lots of cubicles, ugly walls, extension cords, and head sets... lots of annoying reps, stupid techs, and deaf customers.. but the pays good, and they hire just for summers looks like it's a win-win situation!


For those of you who know me, I am quite possibly more obsessed with babies than anyone else.... in a not so pedophileish way. I love babies, love their clothes, their hair, everything about them. A few days after I got shoulder surgery, still drugged, and not feeling too good, I get a call from my sister Angie to come downstairs. Line along the counter top were four bags. My first thought (it must have been the perocet intuition that was taking over my blood stream) Heck yeah She's havin a baby! She kept trying to lie to shalana and I until the parentals came home, but we both knew the truth.. She was with child.. pregnent.. her eggo.. was most definitely preggo. and I was more excited than my drug induced, pale skin, messy hair, broken shouldered body could show. I am going to be an Aunt.. Thata boy evan. Saving the world, and still has time to give me a nephew. Yes, it's a nephew. I don't care how many more weeks there are until she gets to find out the sex, it's a nephew. And I am going to love him very very much! Welcome to the family, the Yankee fan base just keeps on growing! I'm going to be an aunt! The coolest most unresponsible, don't care about the rules kind of gauradian... i guess right beside his own father. These 9 months couldn't go any slower!


On a more serious note.. this summer has been the summer of realization for me. Things keep happening in the lives of those around me to help me realize just how fortunate I am. I am thankful for the family that i have, and the fact that they put up with me, even when they have every right not to. I am so thankful for a home that is filled with love (most of the time) and the gospel. I am thankful for parents who would never leave my side and who would support me in any situation, big or small. I don't always understand why things happen, I think that's my stubborn attitude coming through... but i've come to realize this summer that sometimes there just aren't the answers we want to hear, or have the right to hear for that matter. Sometimes things happen, to teach us, or the people around us something. I am thankful for a forgiving Father in Heaven who is willing to forgive me for my shortcomings time and time again, even when I am too ignorant to realize what a blessing that is. I am thankful for the people who lift me up and make me better. I am have come to realize that in these times having people around you to make you better is a rarity, and i am thankful to have that advantage, and blessing in my life every single day.


Oh summer 2012.. You're doing just fine.. minus the shoulder surgery and all.

Finals Week..

I think I have spent more hours in the library than I have outside the library. My diet consisted of carrots, wheat thins, pizza, water, gummy sharks, popsicles, candy bars, and anything else that we could grab out the door and take to the library. Study hall may have been the source of our brains deteriorating. We lost notebooks while we were writing in them, we ran into things, we fell off the beds, we started writing about sleep, and drooling on our textbooks. We carried headache medicine around with us, and we had a look of pure sadness and depression on our faces all week. We got kicked out of library's for eating popsicles, and we snapped at each other because of our grumpiness. We lacked sleep, nutrition, and showers. We may have killed a few trees in the process.. but it's better than ourselves right? we dreamed of packing suitcases and leaving on a jet plane. the smells and feelings of home taunted us during reviews, and study hours. The thought of home cooked meals, and warm showers made us shake with excitement. We may have shed a little blood, sweat, and tears..we may or may not have calculated the damage that would occur if we jumped off the balcony outside the dorms. We may have laughed until we cried, and we may have hey telled at 4 in the morning because we were so emotionally drained that we couldn't sleep. But we made it. We made it through the papers, the classes, the reviews, the early mornings, the late nights, the cold showers, the lack of sleep, the bad food, and the threats of that grade point average staring us in the face. Yes, Facebook and pinterest threatened to ruin it all, everything we worked for. But the temptation fell under the mighty click of the mouse. Are you sure you want your friend to change your password? Yes. yes I am. Deuces Hawaii, I'll see ya next year. You've treated me well, but sometimes a girl needs a little family and snow around the holidays. You will be missed. As for finals? Cheers to the freakin weekend.

I'm thankful for.... Maui

First of all let me introduce Tiffanee Pro Frampton
<------------------ She's kind of a BIG DEAL






She likes peanut m&m's, Toms, and a cute little missionary named Kyle.
She is basically the only reason I am surviving on this island. She knows what type of candy bar I need when it's that time of the month. She also watches Bones for hours on end when I need a break from the library. Her baking skills are a gift sent from above (I would know). And she can basically make anybody laugh. She's basically the most thoughtful, most generous person i've ever met. She talks like a little kid sometimes, she's not too cool to color, and she helps me make my bed when I get too frustrated. Tiff may or may not be the coolest person you will ever meet, but don't even think about it, i've claimed her. We're going to be neighbors one day, so find your own tiffanee!

A few weeks ago we decided to spend our Thanksgiving alone (because our families are haters and live across an ocean)... together... on Maui! The only thing that could make Thanksgiving okay was a little bit of sunshine from the greatest island on earth. Was our trip planned? Not in the least. Organized? Try again. Did we spend hours talking to asians on the phone trying to find tickets? You betcha. Did we make it? barely. Best memories of College so far? I'd say.


Our trip consisted of riding the sketchiest bus at night. First of all, you would think we were smart enough to get off at the right bus stop... i mean, we did make it to college. Maybe our teachers should have rethought their decision. But we made it, after what seemed like hours. But not before a crazy man in a dress who was drunk off his butt asked us for our "magic plastic cards" and basically sent our souls to hell all in one night came and kept us company... it was probably the scariest bus stop experience i've ever had.. by far. We spent the night in the airport, because our plane left so early in the morning. We were basically starving to death, and everything was closed. Probably the funniest night, [insert tiff's amazing rap songs here].

We finally touched down in Maui, and got to drive! No mom, we didn't crash, but it was a little weird at first. I guess that's what happens when you are so used to driving buses and walking everywhere.

To make a very long story short. Maui was the best Thanksgiving decision we ever made! We spent the days on the beach, and the nights with the family (whom spoiled us to death and treated us like royalty). We finally got some sun, we got to eat guri guri, charley's, and my uncles barbecue. The trip was better than I expected it to be, and I am thankful for family and friends who put into perspective what is really important in life. I am so lucky for them all. Here's to more spontaneous trips, tans, and good food. Thanks for the best weekend ever tiff!


First day on Maui



Driving Blue Champ!



tiff finally got her Hot Chocolate




we introduced her to the infamous Guri Guri



eating with the family before going back to Oahu



My Uncle spoils us with his amazing cooking




Finally getting some sun



How lucky am I that I can plan a trip the night before to go to another island and have the time of my life with my family and friends? I am lucky for the opportunities and experiences i've had since coming to Hawaii and I am lucky to have the family and friends that I do. Basically... Best thanksgiving break ever.