Today was another Lady Seasider Softball Game. The greatest feeling is being able to support those girls on and off the field. They have been so supportive to me with my decision to leave the team, and focus on other things and I don't think any of them know how grateful I am for that. There undeniable sense of comfort, and love that they have shown me is irreplaceable.
I woke up today knowing that I wouldn't be lacing up my cleats, but that I would show up and take pictures and cheer on my friends. The day started out as any other, I made breakfast, got ready, and headed over to the field. I think the moment it hit me was when I took my seat directly outside the dugout fence. The only time I have been on the outside of any softball fence is when I am watching a team, other than my own. I gritted my teeth and was genuinely happy to be out there watching my girls play the game that we ALL love. It was interesting, sitting and watching from outside the fence, seeing the way the cleats hit the bases, the ball hit the glove, and the bat hit the balls. I was in tune with what seemed to be every single sense I could possibly have. It's as if I was outside myself looking in on the game that I walked away from. I could see the way the wind had control over the dirt, the way the grass looked when the outfielders cleats dug into it and the way the mound looked as the pitcher took her position. Watching those girls put their helmets on was bitter sweet for me. I was so proud of them, for their hitting, their cheering, and the way they played in that game. But somewhere inside me I could feel a part of my heart twinge at the sight of the game, that I would probably never get back as a player.
The very girls that have made me feel so welcome on the field were now the force that kept me outside the fence, without even knowing it. They are so supportive, and so loving, and I am so thankful for each of them. I could tell that with every waking second I was slowly becoming more of a fan and less of a teammate. That feeling of not belonging quickly came over me as I walked out of the fence and towards my car. In that very moment I could feel the memories of all of the hours I have spent on the dirt quickly fade away with the dust I was leaving behind me as I walked. I fumbled with the keys to my car as I became more and more emotional, I finally got the door open and I felt my body sink into the hot leather that was my seat. My body began to shake and the sound of my tears filled my car, leaving me alone in an empty silence, with an empty heart. Does a tree that falls alone still make a sound? My mind wandered to all of the teammates I've had over the years and I wondered at that moment if maybe somewhere deep inside each one of them a little piece of them knew that those softball days were over. That all those days and nights, mornings, holidays, hours, minutes,and weekends we spent on the field were slowly dissipating into a time zone that we can never get back?
Now don't get me wrong, I chose to walk away. I made that choice and will stand by it until the day I died. However, the hurt of losing something that I have given so much to will never stop affecting me. I walked away in order to put myself in a position to better myself, and hopefully in the long run, make me happier. I know that I made the right choice, and that ultimately I will be better off, but right now it still hurts.
I feel as though a very part of me has been taken from me, and not yet replaced. I know that I've given up something I love in order to have it filled with something that will make me even better, but I guess my emotions are clouding that decision right now. I know that I made the right choice and I am happy, I guess right now the realization of losing something so important to me is setting in.
As we grow up we realize that we lose things that we never thought we would. High school football games, friends, our good figures, and our hair. We lose things like our desire to go out dancing, and our love for midnight showings. We lose so much that sometimes we feel like getting older is the worst thing that could ever happen to us. But one day it clicks. One day we realize that we lose those things so that new bigger and better things can come into our lives and make us who we are. We lose our letterman jackets, and our prom crowns, and gain wedding rings and a college education, all the while facing challenges that help us to learn and to grow day by day. The Lord challenges us because we are strong enough to handle it. Put away your life plan and open up your scriptures, read your patriarchal blessing because sometimes the Lord has something entirely different than what you have in mind. We lose our desire to make a plan, and gain the desire to follow the Lord and listen to his guidance. His willingness to stand by us in the worst of times is greater than any high school friendship, or relationship we could have had.
The days I feel like I have lost the most, are the days where I realize I HAVE the most. I've lost things that I love, but I have gained a knowledge and a testimony of this gospel that I never would have had without those trials. The days we feel like we don't have enough we need to realize we don't GIVE enough. There is always something more, something better, and WE CAN ACHIEVE IT, but first, we must turn our heads from the left to the right and stop looking behind us and start looking forward.
"Make a decision and stand by it, because your choices are all that you have". -a friend
"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. he therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit".-Richard G. Scott
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