My walls are breaking..

I Tried to come up with a witty or sarcastic comment to lighten the emotions my body has decided to put me through this week, but then I realized.. Life sucks. And sometimes, I just need to realize that life sucks, and a happy face won't make it go all away. Good things happen to bad people and good people get the shaft. My work shift started with a missed call.. which I now look back and am thankful I didn't take, for the mere reason that I wouldn't have been able to go to work after.

My smiles and laughter were cut short when my mom walked towards me with tears in her eyes. To hear that someone you love with everything inside of you is hurt.. or sick.. is the one thing that isn't fair in this world. I kept my guard up, I refused to cry I refused to let it break me.. that plan worked until I sat in my bathroom with my door locked and my music blaring.. I broke down. It built up until a flood of tears, and why's came pouring out of my unprepared body. Looking at the screen of my phone, I realized that the phone call I thought I was getting was actually on a total other spectrum.

I often ask myself why? Why did I wake up late? Why do I have homework? Why am I taking AP English? Those questions mean nothing.. because the moment you hear that someone you love might be sick and there is nothing you can do about it, everything else seems to fade into the darkness. Nothing compares to why do they have to go through this? Why them? Why now? Why not me? Why can't I help them? What do I do?

I realized today that I fear.. fear. I'm scared of being afraid. I'm scared of the unknown. I hate being incapable of fixing this. I'm angry. And I'm sick. Sick of the people I love hurting. I hate not being there. I hate that someone I love so much, may have to go through something I cannot even begin to comprehend. It's not fair. It's not fair that they have to go through this. The one person who has the answers refuses to give me one.. and maybe that's the answer. Maybe the Lord is trying to tell me that he has it handled.. That he knows that that person is strong.. and the only thing that I need to do is be supportive and be there for that person. Because all they need is a support system to get them through.

Heavenly Father knows us inside and out. He knows the end. When all we can see is the beginning. We will face trials and challenges in our lives that we are not yet capable of understanding.. He knows all. He knows the strength and the potential of everyone.. And for that we must put our lives in His hands. Because those hands are the only hands who can save us and pull us through everything that we don't think we can make it through. He has given the doctors the ability to heal, fathers the ability to bless by the priesthood, and family and friends to love, strengthen, and hope.

And although we cannot answer the question why?.. we can answer the question how?.. and that is through faith, hope, and trust in a Heavenly Father who doesn't make mistakes. Everything will work out how it is supposed to, even if we cannot comprehend. I cannot comprehend why.. Why this has happened.. and why that person has to go through this..But for now, I will be the strength they need.. I will not ask why. I will trust in the lord and do the things I need to do to understand. I will be strong because that is what they need..

And right now? I cry.. I cry, and I hurt, for the good people who get the shaft. Heavenly Father knows our strengths and that which we can overcome.. He knows what we cannot understand. I pray for comfort.. and I pray for strength.. And I pray for those who need the same. So for now... all I can say is, sometimes you might just need a good cry.. To be knocked down, to your lowest.. to realize the kind of strength you have inside of you. So let it out, put on a big t-shirt, and blast the music that makes your heart beat fast. Let your mascara run, your hair tangle, and your eyes go puffy. Shake, and scream, and ask why?.. and when it's all said and done.. stand up, wipe those tears from your eyes, lift your head up, and be the strength you hope to give to those who need it most.