Today I am thankful for people in my life who are there no matter what. I am thankful for supportive parents who never leave my side. They are the biggest support system in my life, and I am so thankful for that. My family is the best thing that has ever happened to me
When I became a social work major, I had this overwhelming feeling that It was exaclty what I was supposed to do. I have the hardest time opening up and sharing my feelings and emotions, but through this major I have been able to open up and share things that I never thought I would share. I see how important it is to share things that you have been holding in for years.
I am so thankful for friends, and family who are the biggest strength in my life. It is so freeing to have people next to me who want to listen, who make me feel like I am not alone.
My greatest desire in this social work major is that I can sit across from someone going through what I have, and being able to tell them that they are not alone. I wrote in my journal earlier "I hope that everyone that I come in contact with from now until the day I die feel as though they can share their deepest fears and secrets with me without fearing judgement, or the feeling like I am minimizing their feelings".
Every single feeling, every single person has a story. I have learned in the short time I have studied as a social worker, that the biggest smile on the face of someone could be hiding the deepest of internal hurt and pain.
I don't know if anyone even reads my blog. It's mostly for myself, to be able to let out the things that I am feeling. But I hope, that if by chance someone reads this post, that they know that they are not alone in anything that they are feeling. That even if they have been carrying something around with them for 15 years, that it is freeing to let it out and tell someone. That even if they feel like their problem and trials are not as important or as big as the person next to them, that their is no harm in a hug, or a good shoulder to cry in. I hope that everyone that I come in contact with knows that they can always come to me in anything. I don't care if we've never talked, I don't care if we've had a fight, or if you feel like I don't like you. If that's the case then it's my fault and my shortcomings that have made you feel that way. I hope that whoever is reading this knows, that you are not alone. That YOU matter. that YOUR trials MATTER. That you don't have to put on a happy face all the time. That there is someone there who wants to listen, who cares to listen, and who has been through things just like everyone else.
You are NEVER alone. We have each other. We have the strength of the world in our hands. The Lord is always here. The lord is the foundation of all that is good in this world. Turn to it. Turn to me.
We are never alone. For all of the people I have ever talked to. Thank you for your smiles, for your hellos, for your love. I am so thankful for everyone in my life who has made me who I am today. Who has made me feel like I can do anything. Thank you for being my friends, for my family. And for getting me through my trials each day.
You are never alone. WE are never alone.
EVERYBODY LOVE EVERYBODY.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Sunday, November 4, 2012
rough livin
I had an amazing weekend with these girls. Girls who can make me laugh, who support me, who are here for me whenever I need them. These girls are my best friends. I am so thankful to live in such a beautiful place, surrounded by the beauty that the Lord blesses us with each day. Lanakai. The water is clearer than a swimming pool, and the air is sweet.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Letter To Me...
Dear Kayla,
Stop stressing, you’re assignments are not due for a week, and that A you’re studying for is not going to make you a better friend, girlfriend, or wife.
Drink lots of water, and take care of your body. I know you are the girl who never gets hurt, but that will soon change. You will suffer injuries that you never thought you would. Your body needs to be strong, it needs to be strong so you can overcome the physical challenges that surgeries, and days off will have on it. Your mind needs to be strong, to overcome the “if’s, no’s, but’s, and maybe’s” that people will throw at you when you’re down. You need to be confident in your abilities and know that YOU can do anything that you want to do. But most of all, strengthen the muscle that matters most, the heart. Strengthen your heart so that It can take the negative, annoying, brutal challenges that you will go through. Teach it to love what’s important, and teach it to never doubt itself. You control YOU.
Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and stop crying about the fight you had because your friend said something behind your back. That’s life. Stop crying and turn around. See that? That’s your little sister crying because some boy broke her heart.. forget yourself and pick HER up, she’s going to need you, she’s going to need you and you better be there for her, because if you let her down..you let YOU down.
Those friends? Those friends won’t be here in a year or two, don’t worry you will all move on to bigger and better things. Learn from them, learn from them and teach them. Make each other better. Prepare yourself for new friendships, and open yourself up to people you never thought you would get along with. Stop disrespecting your mom, and stop yelling at dad. Hug them, and tell them how important they are to you, because in a few years you might be living far far away, and on those days where you wish you could just have a hug, they won’t be there. Your sisters will be your truest and closest friends, don’t waste another day fighting, yelling, and putting others in front of them. Family is everything, learn that now so you won’t have to later.
Do good in school, but don’t plan your future out perfectly. Trust in the Lord in everything you do, he will show you exactly where you need to be. Go to church, study the scriptures, and believe in what you’re being taught..because in a few years you don’t want to be playing catch up for all those times you didn’t go to seminary.
Softball, love the moments where the dirt gets in your mouth, and blood stains your uniform. Cherish the times you have on the road, and the people in the stands who spend countless hours cheering you on. Recognize the coaches you have, you have no idea how much they will truly influence and shape you in the future. Laugh with your team, get sunburned, laugh at your tanlines, and go for the extra base…because one day you will be wishing you could have all those summer days back again, for one more round. Love your teammates, they will be life long friends and you will all go your separate ways. But don’t you worry, those summer nights, and those long days will forever tie you to each other..with an inextricable bond of friendship, and love, and family.
Learn to love yourself Kayla, Learn to love those around you, and learn to love those you don’t understand. You have your family, the lord, and you might just meet a few pretty great friends over the years. Don’t forget how much they impact you each and every day.
Smile, your smile will be your strength, your light, everything that you do do with a smile, because you will see the importance of being positive. Staying positive. And seeing the good in the world.
And always remember….
You have a week to finish that assignment, so go out and goof off a little will ya?
See you soon,
The future you.
Drink lots of water, and take care of your body. I know you are the girl who never gets hurt, but that will soon change. You will suffer injuries that you never thought you would. Your body needs to be strong, it needs to be strong so you can overcome the physical challenges that surgeries, and days off will have on it. Your mind needs to be strong, to overcome the “if’s, no’s, but’s, and maybe’s” that people will throw at you when you’re down. You need to be confident in your abilities and know that YOU can do anything that you want to do. But most of all, strengthen the muscle that matters most, the heart. Strengthen your heart so that It can take the negative, annoying, brutal challenges that you will go through. Teach it to love what’s important, and teach it to never doubt itself. You control YOU.
Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and stop crying about the fight you had because your friend said something behind your back. That’s life. Stop crying and turn around. See that? That’s your little sister crying because some boy broke her heart.. forget yourself and pick HER up, she’s going to need you, she’s going to need you and you better be there for her, because if you let her down..you let YOU down.
Those friends? Those friends won’t be here in a year or two, don’t worry you will all move on to bigger and better things. Learn from them, learn from them and teach them. Make each other better. Prepare yourself for new friendships, and open yourself up to people you never thought you would get along with. Stop disrespecting your mom, and stop yelling at dad. Hug them, and tell them how important they are to you, because in a few years you might be living far far away, and on those days where you wish you could just have a hug, they won’t be there. Your sisters will be your truest and closest friends, don’t waste another day fighting, yelling, and putting others in front of them. Family is everything, learn that now so you won’t have to later.
Do good in school, but don’t plan your future out perfectly. Trust in the Lord in everything you do, he will show you exactly where you need to be. Go to church, study the scriptures, and believe in what you’re being taught..because in a few years you don’t want to be playing catch up for all those times you didn’t go to seminary.
Softball, love the moments where the dirt gets in your mouth, and blood stains your uniform. Cherish the times you have on the road, and the people in the stands who spend countless hours cheering you on. Recognize the coaches you have, you have no idea how much they will truly influence and shape you in the future. Laugh with your team, get sunburned, laugh at your tanlines, and go for the extra base…because one day you will be wishing you could have all those summer days back again, for one more round. Love your teammates, they will be life long friends and you will all go your separate ways. But don’t you worry, those summer nights, and those long days will forever tie you to each other..with an inextricable bond of friendship, and love, and family.
Learn to love yourself Kayla, Learn to love those around you, and learn to love those you don’t understand. You have your family, the lord, and you might just meet a few pretty great friends over the years. Don’t forget how much they impact you each and every day.
Smile, your smile will be your strength, your light, everything that you do do with a smile, because you will see the importance of being positive. Staying positive. And seeing the good in the world.
And always remember….
You have a week to finish that assignment, so go out and goof off a little will ya?
See you soon,
The future you.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Those Three Words..
Growing up as a girl... wait, that sounds wrong.
As girls we have this label on us to be sexy, smart, good at cooking, and thin.
I work out more than the average person, I spend 5 hours a day on the softball field, and in the weight room. When I got shoudler surgery of course that all came to a crashing halt.The shoulder is so sensitive, they won't let me run sprints, or jump, or swim, nothing. It's been super hard to watch my team work out and feel like I'm lazy, but I do as much as I can. They're throwing up 125 pounds of weights, while I am using my thera bands in the corner haha. It's definitely a humbling experience when you have to psychologically work yourself up to pick up a 5 pound weight.
I am thankful that I am blessed with a desire to want to be active, I know how important it is and how hugely it can effect us in our lives in the future.
As girls, we are more sensitive to this subject, because we feel like if we aren't thin enough, or tall enough, or pretty enough that we can't accomplish our dreams, or our goals. That no one will love us or accept us.
I have definitely caught myself worrying about the number on the scale, more than how I feel about myself. I will be the first to admit (okay maybe second) that I look at girls and immediately judge them by their weight, or their hair, or their clothes. Either "I am glad I am not like that", or "I wish I had her body". I can never just be content with my own body, and I am never content with those around me either, because it's put in our heads everyday that we aren't good enough.
Today those three words that no girl ever wants to hear were said to me by a trainer (who was male). "You are Fat". But it's okay because he opened it up with "Don't take it personally". My first instinct was to be super mad because what girl was not going to take that personally, especially one who is crippled and feels like the laziest person on earth and has been doing everything she can to work out. My second reaction was to bawl my eyes out on the phone with my mom.
I then proceeded to run 2 miles, and bike 5, and I still felt the same disgusting, feeling, and those three little words playing over and over in the back of my mind. I did abs, I ran some more, and nothing changed. Too often am I telling myself "I'm fat", "She's fat", only to feel the burn of those very same words coming out of someone elses mouth.
Not only with weight, but any sort of insecurity, one person saying it can make you feel like there is no end, there is no overcoming it. No matter how simple or small that insecurity is. Our words are so important, it's the only thing that we ALWAYS have, that we can ALWAYS control. The minute we say something, it cannot be taken back. Our words are so impacting in the lives of the people we come in contact with.
For those of you feeling insecure, about weight, or anything else..know that you are not alone. Know that the girl who plays five hours of softball, weights, and conditiong a day still feels conscious about her weight. Know that there are people, all around us no matter how perfect they may seem that struggle with insecurities. It's up to us, their friends, their family, the stranger on the street, to do everything we can to build people up and not tear them down. A smile, a compliment, it doesn't matter. But no words at all are better than words of hate, judgement, or stereotypes.
YOU are beautiful. WE are beautiful. The Lord made us this way, HIS way.. and we should be proud. Weight is a number, not a way of life, not how much love we have in our hearts, or the information in our brains, or the limits to our dreams.
Next time you look in that mirror, just remember that there is at least one person, who thinks YOU are beautiful. YOU matter. What you do, what you say, what you think matters. Don't ever let three little words, or any at that take away from the goodness inside us all. There is only ONE standard that matters, the Lords.
As girls we have this label on us to be sexy, smart, good at cooking, and thin.
I work out more than the average person, I spend 5 hours a day on the softball field, and in the weight room. When I got shoudler surgery of course that all came to a crashing halt.The shoulder is so sensitive, they won't let me run sprints, or jump, or swim, nothing. It's been super hard to watch my team work out and feel like I'm lazy, but I do as much as I can. They're throwing up 125 pounds of weights, while I am using my thera bands in the corner haha. It's definitely a humbling experience when you have to psychologically work yourself up to pick up a 5 pound weight.
I am thankful that I am blessed with a desire to want to be active, I know how important it is and how hugely it can effect us in our lives in the future.
As girls, we are more sensitive to this subject, because we feel like if we aren't thin enough, or tall enough, or pretty enough that we can't accomplish our dreams, or our goals. That no one will love us or accept us.
I have definitely caught myself worrying about the number on the scale, more than how I feel about myself. I will be the first to admit (okay maybe second) that I look at girls and immediately judge them by their weight, or their hair, or their clothes. Either "I am glad I am not like that", or "I wish I had her body". I can never just be content with my own body, and I am never content with those around me either, because it's put in our heads everyday that we aren't good enough.
Today those three words that no girl ever wants to hear were said to me by a trainer (who was male). "You are Fat". But it's okay because he opened it up with "Don't take it personally". My first instinct was to be super mad because what girl was not going to take that personally, especially one who is crippled and feels like the laziest person on earth and has been doing everything she can to work out. My second reaction was to bawl my eyes out on the phone with my mom.
I then proceeded to run 2 miles, and bike 5, and I still felt the same disgusting, feeling, and those three little words playing over and over in the back of my mind. I did abs, I ran some more, and nothing changed. Too often am I telling myself "I'm fat", "She's fat", only to feel the burn of those very same words coming out of someone elses mouth.
Not only with weight, but any sort of insecurity, one person saying it can make you feel like there is no end, there is no overcoming it. No matter how simple or small that insecurity is. Our words are so important, it's the only thing that we ALWAYS have, that we can ALWAYS control. The minute we say something, it cannot be taken back. Our words are so impacting in the lives of the people we come in contact with.
For those of you feeling insecure, about weight, or anything else..know that you are not alone. Know that the girl who plays five hours of softball, weights, and conditiong a day still feels conscious about her weight. Know that there are people, all around us no matter how perfect they may seem that struggle with insecurities. It's up to us, their friends, their family, the stranger on the street, to do everything we can to build people up and not tear them down. A smile, a compliment, it doesn't matter. But no words at all are better than words of hate, judgement, or stereotypes.
YOU are beautiful. WE are beautiful. The Lord made us this way, HIS way.. and we should be proud. Weight is a number, not a way of life, not how much love we have in our hearts, or the information in our brains, or the limits to our dreams.
Next time you look in that mirror, just remember that there is at least one person, who thinks YOU are beautiful. YOU matter. What you do, what you say, what you think matters. Don't ever let three little words, or any at that take away from the goodness inside us all. There is only ONE standard that matters, the Lords.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
insanity at it's finest
It's been quite some time since i've indulged myself in a "pity me" party. I typically try not to allow myself to cry.. because for some reason I feel like it's a sign of weakness, only coming from me though. I think it's perfectly logical for anyone else to cry, but me? cry? NEVER.
I have this idea that I am not allowed to help myself, and I have to help everyone else. Heroic? Hardly. More like a case of pride taking over. The words "I'm fine" should be banned from my vocabulary, these days. My shrink is this keyboard, so sometimes I need to be able to turn to writing and say, "I'm not fine". And the devil on my left is telling me that's not okay, but on the other hand I know it's okay to break down sometimes.
I am the most stressful person on the planet, if it was an award, I would surely have the perctly polished gold trophy sitting on the shelf above my bed. Unfortunately for me, stress is usually the foundation of the battles I fight with myself everyday. For those of you fighting to win that trophy...give up now, this is one competition I think I will win every time.
I can't seem to get through the first day of classes without having a mini stroke at the stack of work I will have for the next semester. I also can't fall asleep at night without going through everything I have to do the next day. And that can opener? That can opener that I cannot seem to learn how to use might just be the death of me. Insane? Probably. To my future kids: just put me in an institution, and feed me applesauce, and read me dr. suess books, I will be perfectly content.
I had a little bit of a breakdown, but my roommate came to the rescue with encouraging words of wisdom, and prayer. I am thankful for roommates who are so willing to listen, and whose first words of advice, are turn to the Lord.
I am thankful for priesthood blessings and the burdens they have the power to lift. For all of the girls: Thank those who are worthy to give priesthood blessings. In this day and age it is NOT easy to be worthy, and I am so thankful for all the boys who surround me who are not only worthy but willing to help all of us girls who are on the edge of a meltdown. That time of the month is not our only excuse to have a breakdrown. Sometimes we need to just let it out, and have a breakdown...but once it's done, pick yourself up and dust yourself off and move forward stronger than ever.
I may be crazy, but I'm thankful for the support of all the other crazy people in the world who get me through my pity parties.
Nothin a little oreos, and prayer can't fix.
I have this idea that I am not allowed to help myself, and I have to help everyone else. Heroic? Hardly. More like a case of pride taking over. The words "I'm fine" should be banned from my vocabulary, these days. My shrink is this keyboard, so sometimes I need to be able to turn to writing and say, "I'm not fine". And the devil on my left is telling me that's not okay, but on the other hand I know it's okay to break down sometimes.
I am the most stressful person on the planet, if it was an award, I would surely have the perctly polished gold trophy sitting on the shelf above my bed. Unfortunately for me, stress is usually the foundation of the battles I fight with myself everyday. For those of you fighting to win that trophy...give up now, this is one competition I think I will win every time.
I can't seem to get through the first day of classes without having a mini stroke at the stack of work I will have for the next semester. I also can't fall asleep at night without going through everything I have to do the next day. And that can opener? That can opener that I cannot seem to learn how to use might just be the death of me. Insane? Probably. To my future kids: just put me in an institution, and feed me applesauce, and read me dr. suess books, I will be perfectly content.
I had a little bit of a breakdown, but my roommate came to the rescue with encouraging words of wisdom, and prayer. I am thankful for roommates who are so willing to listen, and whose first words of advice, are turn to the Lord.
I am thankful for priesthood blessings and the burdens they have the power to lift. For all of the girls: Thank those who are worthy to give priesthood blessings. In this day and age it is NOT easy to be worthy, and I am so thankful for all the boys who surround me who are not only worthy but willing to help all of us girls who are on the edge of a meltdown. That time of the month is not our only excuse to have a breakdrown. Sometimes we need to just let it out, and have a breakdown...but once it's done, pick yourself up and dust yourself off and move forward stronger than ever.
I may be crazy, but I'm thankful for the support of all the other crazy people in the world who get me through my pity parties.
Nothin a little oreos, and prayer can't fix.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Thankful
I think that sometimes having a hard day makes you realize how lucky you are.
I have been going through some stressful situations in college (who doesn't right?), and I have found myself more and more upset each day.
The little things are the things that just build up over time and I finally just break down
But today, I realized something.
One of my amazing, strong, and beast modes of a friend is in the hospital undergoing another round of chemotherapy. Not from cancer for the first time, but for the second. My mom also has a friend who is going through cancer for the third time. My heart aches, and I cry for the amazing people in my life who have faced trials that most everyone on this earth have the luxury of NOT facing, including me.
Today a kid in my institute class stood up and shared something with the class that changed my whole sophomore year of college so far. I realized that I am so blessed to be healthy, to see, to breathe, and to walk. I don't have cancer, I don't have to fear for my life, and I don't have a broken family. I don't have any physical disability (besides my broken shoulder), and I don't have mental disability. Nothing that is wrong with me now, can't be fixed. And there are a lot of people who cannot say the same.
I am thankful for trials in my life, to make me realize that MY trials, are miniscule compared to what a lot of other people have to deal with.
I know we are not challenged over that which we are able to handle. And I am so proud of my friend for being so strong in all of her challenges. I am also thankful for the people who support her everyday, and make her stronger.
without weakness, none of us would know strength. Without sorrow, there would be no happiness, and without each other, none of it would have a purpose anyway.
Today I am thankful for the smiles, the texts, the letters, the phone calls, the waves, the hello's, and the conversations from people familiar, or strangers who have made my hard days just a little bit better. It is true.. it takes a village to raise a child, and I am thankful for the thousands of people I have come in contact with in my life who have shaped me through my trials and struggles
I have been going through some stressful situations in college (who doesn't right?), and I have found myself more and more upset each day.
The little things are the things that just build up over time and I finally just break down
But today, I realized something.
One of my amazing, strong, and beast modes of a friend is in the hospital undergoing another round of chemotherapy. Not from cancer for the first time, but for the second. My mom also has a friend who is going through cancer for the third time. My heart aches, and I cry for the amazing people in my life who have faced trials that most everyone on this earth have the luxury of NOT facing, including me.
Today a kid in my institute class stood up and shared something with the class that changed my whole sophomore year of college so far. I realized that I am so blessed to be healthy, to see, to breathe, and to walk. I don't have cancer, I don't have to fear for my life, and I don't have a broken family. I don't have any physical disability (besides my broken shoulder), and I don't have mental disability. Nothing that is wrong with me now, can't be fixed. And there are a lot of people who cannot say the same.
I am thankful for trials in my life, to make me realize that MY trials, are miniscule compared to what a lot of other people have to deal with.
I know we are not challenged over that which we are able to handle. And I am so proud of my friend for being so strong in all of her challenges. I am also thankful for the people who support her everyday, and make her stronger.
without weakness, none of us would know strength. Without sorrow, there would be no happiness, and without each other, none of it would have a purpose anyway.
Today I am thankful for the smiles, the texts, the letters, the phone calls, the waves, the hello's, and the conversations from people familiar, or strangers who have made my hard days just a little bit better. It is true.. it takes a village to raise a child, and I am thankful for the thousands of people I have come in contact with in my life who have shaped me through my trials and struggles
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Sunday Pondering.
Ever Since I have gotten into the social work program I have realized that talking is a good thing. When I was little, I was such a little stress ball (I still am). My mom would beg and beg for me to just talk about what I was feeling instead of keeping them in. I'm pretty sure I put here through a lot of hellish days because of my inability to communicate how I felt.
I would keep everything bottled up inside until eventually one day it would explode. Whether I took that frustration out on the field, on myself, or on an innocent bystander (mostly my mom), it never ended good. I never felt like I had the ability to put words to my emotions. That's why I started writing, and why I started this blog. As a place for me to go to let things out, because that was the only way I would say what I felt. I can't even count how many times my mom said "Kayla write to me if you're not going to talk", because she knew that that was the only way she could get through to me.
I'm super bad with telling people how I feel, good or bad. I'm not good at showing how happy I am, even if I've never been happier. people always ask me if I'm upset, because I don't always know how to show my emotions, even if I'm super happy that day. But from day one in the social work program, I have been challenged to talk about my feelings, talk about things in my past, and talk about things that I want. It's a challenge for me, because I am always the one to say "I'm fine, i don't care, I don't know". I think the Lord knew I needed help in this department and that's why he guided me to it. I have learned so much about myself through the social work program. I have learned how to be better, I love studying, and I know that a career in helping people is something I have always wanted to do. The funny thing is, I didn't even know social work existed before I came to BYU.
When I first got the phone call from the coach at BYU Hawaii, I knew I wanted to come. I also knew that if I didn't play softball that I probably wouldn't come to Hawaii, it was just so far away, and if I didn't have a team and something to do all the time I was probably just going to stay in Utah.
The first year, softball definitely didn't go as planned. I tore my labrum, but played through it. Had a coach who didn't even come to practice, and hated most everything, and it was just the most mind draining challenging thing I've ever had to go through. I came home and got shoulder surgery so I could play. This year, is a little better but it's still so draining. There are times when I ask myself why am I playing? If I was supposed to come here for softball why am I playing?
But then I realized, maybe Softball was just Heavenly Fathers way of getting me to come to BYU Hawaii so I could be put in front of the opportunities he needed me to receive. I never even knew what social work was until I came here and had a prompting to sign up for it as a general. The minute I walked into class I knew that was what I was supposed to do, and my patriarchal blessing confirmed that.
I have a testimony that heavenly father knows the end, while we only see the right now. Sometimes it's hard to trust in him, but I know that he does things in a way that things need to be done, not because we understand them. Maybe I'm not supposed to play softball, maybe that's not why I am here. But maybe, he placed me here so that I could figure out what I'm supposed to do in life, because somewhere down the road there is going to be a life that I am going to need to impact in some way or another. I have faith that He guides my every move, and that if we trust in him our lives will be impacted in a way we never thought possible.
What we think is right is no where near as important as what God thinks is right. I have a hard time communicating how I feel, I get frustrated, and one day it all explodes. But I know that Heavenly Father has put me here to learn how to communicate, to learn how to become better, and to maybe help some people along the way.
There is positivity in all things... even if we think we are on the path of darkness, trials, and mistakes I know that the Lord blesses us with knowledge and strength through all.
And through it all, I know that I am exactly where I need to be, even if it's not for the reasons I originally thought.
So for all those people who don't know how to communicate, or don't know how to show their emotions, sit down, and talk to someone. Ask about THEM. Ask about their life. Ask them how there day is on a scale of 1-10, and figure out what makes THEM stronger. Through the strength of others you find your own strength. And maybe, communication isn't such a bad thing.
I would keep everything bottled up inside until eventually one day it would explode. Whether I took that frustration out on the field, on myself, or on an innocent bystander (mostly my mom), it never ended good. I never felt like I had the ability to put words to my emotions. That's why I started writing, and why I started this blog. As a place for me to go to let things out, because that was the only way I would say what I felt. I can't even count how many times my mom said "Kayla write to me if you're not going to talk", because she knew that that was the only way she could get through to me.
I'm super bad with telling people how I feel, good or bad. I'm not good at showing how happy I am, even if I've never been happier. people always ask me if I'm upset, because I don't always know how to show my emotions, even if I'm super happy that day. But from day one in the social work program, I have been challenged to talk about my feelings, talk about things in my past, and talk about things that I want. It's a challenge for me, because I am always the one to say "I'm fine, i don't care, I don't know". I think the Lord knew I needed help in this department and that's why he guided me to it. I have learned so much about myself through the social work program. I have learned how to be better, I love studying, and I know that a career in helping people is something I have always wanted to do. The funny thing is, I didn't even know social work existed before I came to BYU.
When I first got the phone call from the coach at BYU Hawaii, I knew I wanted to come. I also knew that if I didn't play softball that I probably wouldn't come to Hawaii, it was just so far away, and if I didn't have a team and something to do all the time I was probably just going to stay in Utah.
The first year, softball definitely didn't go as planned. I tore my labrum, but played through it. Had a coach who didn't even come to practice, and hated most everything, and it was just the most mind draining challenging thing I've ever had to go through. I came home and got shoulder surgery so I could play. This year, is a little better but it's still so draining. There are times when I ask myself why am I playing? If I was supposed to come here for softball why am I playing?
But then I realized, maybe Softball was just Heavenly Fathers way of getting me to come to BYU Hawaii so I could be put in front of the opportunities he needed me to receive. I never even knew what social work was until I came here and had a prompting to sign up for it as a general. The minute I walked into class I knew that was what I was supposed to do, and my patriarchal blessing confirmed that.
I have a testimony that heavenly father knows the end, while we only see the right now. Sometimes it's hard to trust in him, but I know that he does things in a way that things need to be done, not because we understand them. Maybe I'm not supposed to play softball, maybe that's not why I am here. But maybe, he placed me here so that I could figure out what I'm supposed to do in life, because somewhere down the road there is going to be a life that I am going to need to impact in some way or another. I have faith that He guides my every move, and that if we trust in him our lives will be impacted in a way we never thought possible.
What we think is right is no where near as important as what God thinks is right. I have a hard time communicating how I feel, I get frustrated, and one day it all explodes. But I know that Heavenly Father has put me here to learn how to communicate, to learn how to become better, and to maybe help some people along the way.
There is positivity in all things... even if we think we are on the path of darkness, trials, and mistakes I know that the Lord blesses us with knowledge and strength through all.
And through it all, I know that I am exactly where I need to be, even if it's not for the reasons I originally thought.
So for all those people who don't know how to communicate, or don't know how to show their emotions, sit down, and talk to someone. Ask about THEM. Ask about their life. Ask them how there day is on a scale of 1-10, and figure out what makes THEM stronger. Through the strength of others you find your own strength. And maybe, communication isn't such a bad thing.
Atkin's Around the World
Right now my family is spread out....far.
Angie and Evan are happily married, in a new house, with a little dog and Baby Aria on the way :) They live in Virginia, angie works (She just got registered in the state of virginia!), and evan serves our Country as a soldier in the army, which requires LOTS of traveling. He is currently in Colorado, while angie is stuck at home with the dog, the baby and the big giant house.
Shalana and Emily are at home in Utah, with mom and dad. Shalana and Emily are seniors in high school, just going to their Senior Homecoming (they are beautiful and I love them), they work, they play, and they are just trying to become people that they want to become. I know how hard it is to be in high school and have all sorts of pressure on you from the world around you, and I am so proud of how these two handle themselves.
My parents are both working harder than ever, and I am so thankful for all that they do for me. They put me through school, they work, and they still have time to be my therapist when I call late at night. I have been blessed with the most amazing parents in the world, and I wouldn't be here without them. They never cease to support me in everything I do, they constantly make sure that I know that they love me.
I got to skype with my family today and yes, we are dysfunctional, full of chaos, but no one ever doubts that we love each other. We got to see my sisters newly decorated house and all the halloween pinterest ideas she has, her growing tummy, i got to see my dogs, my family, and i got to laugh, joke, dance, show them my house, my bike, and how i live. but most of all i just got to be with my family for awhile.
I am so thankful for there support. They never stop worrying about me, my mom thinks i'm going to die out here on this island. They never stop making me laugh. And even though we are far apart, we are closer than ever. We miss each other, but we are all where we are supposed to be!
One Family. 4 States. Together...Forever.
Angie and Evan are happily married, in a new house, with a little dog and Baby Aria on the way :) They live in Virginia, angie works (She just got registered in the state of virginia!), and evan serves our Country as a soldier in the army, which requires LOTS of traveling. He is currently in Colorado, while angie is stuck at home with the dog, the baby and the big giant house.
Shalana and Emily are at home in Utah, with mom and dad. Shalana and Emily are seniors in high school, just going to their Senior Homecoming (they are beautiful and I love them), they work, they play, and they are just trying to become people that they want to become. I know how hard it is to be in high school and have all sorts of pressure on you from the world around you, and I am so proud of how these two handle themselves.
My parents are both working harder than ever, and I am so thankful for all that they do for me. They put me through school, they work, and they still have time to be my therapist when I call late at night. I have been blessed with the most amazing parents in the world, and I wouldn't be here without them. They never cease to support me in everything I do, they constantly make sure that I know that they love me.
I got to skype with my family today and yes, we are dysfunctional, full of chaos, but no one ever doubts that we love each other. We got to see my sisters newly decorated house and all the halloween pinterest ideas she has, her growing tummy, i got to see my dogs, my family, and i got to laugh, joke, dance, show them my house, my bike, and how i live. but most of all i just got to be with my family for awhile.
I am so thankful for there support. They never stop worrying about me, my mom thinks i'm going to die out here on this island. They never stop making me laugh. And even though we are far apart, we are closer than ever. We miss each other, but we are all where we are supposed to be!
One Family. 4 States. Together...Forever.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Don't tell my mom...but I swam with sharks.
Playing a college sport takes up most of your time. Therefore, last year we didn't get he opportunity to do a lot of the island things. This year, we got here early, and decided to try to do a few of the things we've been wanting them to do.
One of the things we have been waiting to do is chinaman's hat. That would be this.
It's basically a mountain that you can swim/walk out to when the tide is low. It takes about 20-30 minutes to get to. The first time we went, we went with my cousin and it was a super nice day, no waves, the tide was low so most of the time we could walk. We only got a few cuts and bruises from the reef dropping off in random areas. We climed the mountain, with little trouble (even though i was dying because I haven't exercised since shoulder surgery), but once we got to the top it was the most amazing thing. We watched the clouds move, and we truly got the sense for how lucky we are to live in such a beautiful place. On top of the mountain I felt so small, and I felt so lucky for the opportunity I have to be in Hawaii.
We started like this...
A few days later, me and tiffanee feeling adventurous decided to go again. It had been raining, but had cleared up. Wewere kind of hesitant but of course stupid us we decided to go. It took us forever to get out because the waves were pretty bad, and the tide was high so we had to swim with our boogie boards. Once on the island, it was muddy and slippery. Yet, after a lot of hesitation, hard work, sweat, and yelling, we got to the top. We spent lots of time up there waving to the people below, and crying to the thought of having to climb back down. Needless to say, a muddy steep mountain, rain, and shoes with no traction...I almost fell off a cliff.. but I caught myself, with my newly repaired shoulder. It was either fall off a cliff, or catch myself with my weak, nonexistant shoulder,i got a hurt arm and got a few scrapes...and a very angry kayla later, I got to the bottom.
At this point, it had started to look like it would start storming again... the waves were worse, and every time we tried to swim it felt like we were moving backwards.
It resulted in this
Don't let tiffanee's smile fool you.. we were not happy campers. We decided not to ever be spontaneous again. We also found out later that there was a shark alert and we could have been eaten alive. But don't worry mom... I only broke my shoulder in the process.
oh college students... we are so smart.
It's basically a mountain that you can swim/walk out to when the tide is low. It takes about 20-30 minutes to get to. The first time we went, we went with my cousin and it was a super nice day, no waves, the tide was low so most of the time we could walk. We only got a few cuts and bruises from the reef dropping off in random areas. We climed the mountain, with little trouble (even though i was dying because I haven't exercised since shoulder surgery), but once we got to the top it was the most amazing thing. We watched the clouds move, and we truly got the sense for how lucky we are to live in such a beautiful place. On top of the mountain I felt so small, and I felt so lucky for the opportunity I have to be in Hawaii.
A few days later, me and tiffanee feeling adventurous decided to go again. It had been raining, but had cleared up. Wewere kind of hesitant but of course stupid us we decided to go. It took us forever to get out because the waves were pretty bad, and the tide was high so we had to swim with our boogie boards. Once on the island, it was muddy and slippery. Yet, after a lot of hesitation, hard work, sweat, and yelling, we got to the top. We spent lots of time up there waving to the people below, and crying to the thought of having to climb back down. Needless to say, a muddy steep mountain, rain, and shoes with no traction...I almost fell off a cliff.. but I caught myself, with my newly repaired shoulder. It was either fall off a cliff, or catch myself with my weak, nonexistant shoulder,i got a hurt arm and got a few scrapes...and a very angry kayla later, I got to the bottom.
At this point, it had started to look like it would start storming again... the waves were worse, and every time we tried to swim it felt like we were moving backwards.
It resulted in this
Don't let tiffanee's smile fool you.. we were not happy campers. We decided not to ever be spontaneous again. We also found out later that there was a shark alert and we could have been eaten alive. But don't worry mom... I only broke my shoulder in the process.
oh college students... we are so smart.
I live quite a rough life.
I am thankful for the opportunity I have to live in such an amazing place.. I spend my time with amazing people doing amazing things. I spend my days in flip flops, i travel by bike, the beach is a 3 minute walk from my front door, and the rainstorms put me to sleep at night, yes, it's a rough life.
Free from the Dorms....Hallelujia.
Here's my home in Laie, Hawaii....in picture mode.
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Gotta support my best friend in St. Louis :)
I am becoming wife material....kind of.
I don't know how I got the best roommates in all of the land, but I feel pretty blessed :)
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Friday, September 14, 2012
The best dang missionary from across the pond
This boy.. is my everything.
He is serving in the London England Mission. And yes, he is an amazing missionary.
Our relationship has only gotten so much stronger since he's gone. I know that with the gospel as the foundation of our relationship, that we can do everything we possibly want or desire.
I am so thankful for the strength that he is for me, even from across the pond! He is always here for me, no matter what it is. He has gone through so much in the last 6 months, yet he is so positive. He shows me how I need to be through trials. He knows life shouldn't be easy, because it was never easy for the Lord.
THis boy challenges me and makes me better. He brings me closer to the lord, and his testimony makes mine stronger. He does his job so amazingly well, and I know he and I are exactly where we need to be. He is there, and I am here. and 2 years is so worth the eternity that we have the opportunity to have together.
He never fails to show me he loves me.. he does things like this..
He works so hard. He has built such amazing relationships with the people there and I am thankful for them, they take care of him :) He is an amazing missionary, and I know that there are people in London who have been waiting there whole lives for him. I believe in the work, and I know that he is exactly where he needs to be, and I know that the road he took to get there was meant to teach him and help him be the missionary he is today.
And the best part of it all, he has an amazing family that is my biggest support system. I think my family loves them more than they love me.. regardless, I am so thankful for our families and all they do for us.
the bird family :)
the best grandpa ever
my lover boy
mama harris! :) aka dixie normous
my favorite couple, haha poor lisa.
Our relationship has only gotten so much stronger since he's gone. I know that with the gospel as the foundation of our relationship, that we can do everything we possibly want or desire.
I am so thankful for the strength that he is for me, even from across the pond! He is always here for me, no matter what it is. He has gone through so much in the last 6 months, yet he is so positive. He shows me how I need to be through trials. He knows life shouldn't be easy, because it was never easy for the Lord.
THis boy challenges me and makes me better. He brings me closer to the lord, and his testimony makes mine stronger. He does his job so amazingly well, and I know he and I are exactly where we need to be. He is there, and I am here. and 2 years is so worth the eternity that we have the opportunity to have together.
He never fails to show me he loves me.. he does things like this..
He works so hard. He has built such amazing relationships with the people there and I am thankful for them, they take care of him :) He is an amazing missionary, and I know that there are people in London who have been waiting there whole lives for him. I believe in the work, and I know that he is exactly where he needs to be, and I know that the road he took to get there was meant to teach him and help him be the missionary he is today.
And the best part of it all, he has an amazing family that is my biggest support system. I think my family loves them more than they love me.. regardless, I am so thankful for our families and all they do for us.
I'm Kayla, and I'm in 14th grade
College is a struggle...
Okay, it's not that bad, but sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it.
I like to sit in class and dream about what I would do if I wasn't in class. Probably save the world by jumping off buildings, not caring what angle and speed the wind is going or the location of the sun. Or maybe I would try my luck at sitting on a corner with a cardboard sign getting stared at and getting change and big macs thrown at me in pity.
I have decided that college is a lot easier when you study something that you actually enjoy. Social work is something that I didn't even know existed, but through taking classes, and my patriarchal blessing I know it's something that I'm supposed to do.
I've always been the person who stresses myself out, and doesn't let anything out. Well, in social worker I have learned that that is not okay. I am forced to talk about what I am feeling, and I have to be open about everything. Because how can I expect a client to if I don't? The best way to help yourself is help others...that's what I've learned so far, in the short week at school. Help yourself, spend your time thinking about others, don't judge them, and believe in them, because it takes faith and trust to tell someone what you're going through. Being involved in a career that's all about helping people is something that I will always be thankful for, because it has made me better. If you're in college, do something you love!
On top of college, we have softball. Softball at 5:30 in the morning, 9:00 at night, study hall for 2 hours, practice, weights... so much and it makes my head spin haha. It's amazing, we have new coaches, new players, and new beginnings for us all, and I am on the bench waiting for my shoulder to be healed. It's pretty hard watching everyone playing the game you love while you physically cannot be on the field.
If I have learned anything in college it's that I need to trust in the Lord with everything I have. Trials come because we need to be better. Challenges come because he knows we can handle them. And Everything has a reason and purpose. I believe that the Lord knows the end, while I can only see the right now. I have to trust in him to guide me through this year, even if I feel like I can't get through it right now. I am so thankful for the amazing friends I have and the roommates I have and the people who have become my family out here on this tiny island. Without them, I would probably die! April 2014...come faster!!!
Okay, it's not that bad, but sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it.
I like to sit in class and dream about what I would do if I wasn't in class. Probably save the world by jumping off buildings, not caring what angle and speed the wind is going or the location of the sun. Or maybe I would try my luck at sitting on a corner with a cardboard sign getting stared at and getting change and big macs thrown at me in pity.
I have decided that college is a lot easier when you study something that you actually enjoy. Social work is something that I didn't even know existed, but through taking classes, and my patriarchal blessing I know it's something that I'm supposed to do.
I've always been the person who stresses myself out, and doesn't let anything out. Well, in social worker I have learned that that is not okay. I am forced to talk about what I am feeling, and I have to be open about everything. Because how can I expect a client to if I don't? The best way to help yourself is help others...that's what I've learned so far, in the short week at school. Help yourself, spend your time thinking about others, don't judge them, and believe in them, because it takes faith and trust to tell someone what you're going through. Being involved in a career that's all about helping people is something that I will always be thankful for, because it has made me better. If you're in college, do something you love!
On top of college, we have softball. Softball at 5:30 in the morning, 9:00 at night, study hall for 2 hours, practice, weights... so much and it makes my head spin haha. It's amazing, we have new coaches, new players, and new beginnings for us all, and I am on the bench waiting for my shoulder to be healed. It's pretty hard watching everyone playing the game you love while you physically cannot be on the field.
If I have learned anything in college it's that I need to trust in the Lord with everything I have. Trials come because we need to be better. Challenges come because he knows we can handle them. And Everything has a reason and purpose. I believe that the Lord knows the end, while I can only see the right now. I have to trust in him to guide me through this year, even if I feel like I can't get through it right now. I am so thankful for the amazing friends I have and the roommates I have and the people who have become my family out here on this tiny island. Without them, I would probably die! April 2014...come faster!!!
Monday, July 23, 2012
I'm still alive..
I know, I know. I am not a blogger, nor a journal writer, nor an avid share your feelings enthusiast.. But sometimes, most of the time, writing is the only thing I can do that involves emotional honesty..or lack there of. Thanks to a family who keeps bugging me to update my blog... or again, lack there of... here we are.
There's been a lot of changes in my life lately.. growin up and all. Working full time in the summer, having a relationship over letters, getting shoulder surgery, and living on an island in the middle of the ocean. Some good, some not so good. But that's life right?
This post will not be organized, as if any of my other one's were.. but it's a post, and I guess that's a start.
Now that every girl in Utah Valley can go back to having a life on Monday nights, I feel the need to declare my position in this epic battle against class and humor (Jef obviously)and... well, i didn't really get anything from Arie besides his not so modest approach on swapping spit. But anyways... I do gladly, proudly, and loudly etch my name on the top of the Team Jef with One F roster.. all day, everyday. Don't pretend your heart doesn't melt at the site of that oh so "how does he even pull that off, give me some of that life saving, water making, sweet talking" hair of his. He's hansome, charming, saves the lives of people in Africa, and puts on pink goggles to impress Ricki...stop he's perfect. All you Arie lovers out there..it's fine, tryouts are already closed for Team Jef with one F.
Devcon Security, the new place I call home.. my home away from home..kinda. I work, lots of cubicles, ugly walls, extension cords, and head sets... lots of annoying reps, stupid techs, and deaf customers.. but the pays good, and they hire just for summers looks like it's a win-win situation!
For those of you who know me, I am quite possibly more obsessed with babies than anyone else.... in a not so pedophileish way. I love babies, love their clothes, their hair, everything about them. A few days after I got shoulder surgery, still drugged, and not feeling too good, I get a call from my sister Angie to come downstairs. Line along the counter top were four bags. My first thought (it must have been the perocet intuition that was taking over my blood stream) Heck yeah She's havin a baby! She kept trying to lie to shalana and I until the parentals came home, but we both knew the truth.. She was with child.. pregnent.. her eggo.. was most definitely preggo. and I was more excited than my drug induced, pale skin, messy hair, broken shouldered body could show. I am going to be an Aunt.. Thata boy evan. Saving the world, and still has time to give me a nephew. Yes, it's a nephew. I don't care how many more weeks there are until she gets to find out the sex, it's a nephew. And I am going to love him very very much! Welcome to the family, the Yankee fan base just keeps on growing! I'm going to be an aunt! The coolest most unresponsible, don't care about the rules kind of gauradian... i guess right beside his own father. These 9 months couldn't go any slower!
On a more serious note.. this summer has been the summer of realization for me. Things keep happening in the lives of those around me to help me realize just how fortunate I am. I am thankful for the family that i have, and the fact that they put up with me, even when they have every right not to. I am so thankful for a home that is filled with love (most of the time) and the gospel. I am thankful for parents who would never leave my side and who would support me in any situation, big or small. I don't always understand why things happen, I think that's my stubborn attitude coming through... but i've come to realize this summer that sometimes there just aren't the answers we want to hear, or have the right to hear for that matter. Sometimes things happen, to teach us, or the people around us something. I am thankful for a forgiving Father in Heaven who is willing to forgive me for my shortcomings time and time again, even when I am too ignorant to realize what a blessing that is. I am thankful for the people who lift me up and make me better. I am have come to realize that in these times having people around you to make you better is a rarity, and i am thankful to have that advantage, and blessing in my life every single day.
Oh summer 2012.. You're doing just fine.. minus the shoulder surgery and all.
There's been a lot of changes in my life lately.. growin up and all. Working full time in the summer, having a relationship over letters, getting shoulder surgery, and living on an island in the middle of the ocean. Some good, some not so good. But that's life right?
This post will not be organized, as if any of my other one's were.. but it's a post, and I guess that's a start.
Now that every girl in Utah Valley can go back to having a life on Monday nights, I feel the need to declare my position in this epic battle against class and humor (Jef obviously)and... well, i didn't really get anything from Arie besides his not so modest approach on swapping spit. But anyways... I do gladly, proudly, and loudly etch my name on the top of the Team Jef with One F roster.. all day, everyday. Don't pretend your heart doesn't melt at the site of that oh so "how does he even pull that off, give me some of that life saving, water making, sweet talking" hair of his. He's hansome, charming, saves the lives of people in Africa, and puts on pink goggles to impress Ricki...stop he's perfect. All you Arie lovers out there..it's fine, tryouts are already closed for Team Jef with one F.
Devcon Security, the new place I call home.. my home away from home..kinda. I work, lots of cubicles, ugly walls, extension cords, and head sets... lots of annoying reps, stupid techs, and deaf customers.. but the pays good, and they hire just for summers looks like it's a win-win situation!
For those of you who know me, I am quite possibly more obsessed with babies than anyone else.... in a not so pedophileish way. I love babies, love their clothes, their hair, everything about them. A few days after I got shoulder surgery, still drugged, and not feeling too good, I get a call from my sister Angie to come downstairs. Line along the counter top were four bags. My first thought (it must have been the perocet intuition that was taking over my blood stream) Heck yeah She's havin a baby! She kept trying to lie to shalana and I until the parentals came home, but we both knew the truth.. She was with child.. pregnent.. her eggo.. was most definitely preggo. and I was more excited than my drug induced, pale skin, messy hair, broken shouldered body could show. I am going to be an Aunt.. Thata boy evan. Saving the world, and still has time to give me a nephew. Yes, it's a nephew. I don't care how many more weeks there are until she gets to find out the sex, it's a nephew. And I am going to love him very very much! Welcome to the family, the Yankee fan base just keeps on growing! I'm going to be an aunt! The coolest most unresponsible, don't care about the rules kind of gauradian... i guess right beside his own father. These 9 months couldn't go any slower!
On a more serious note.. this summer has been the summer of realization for me. Things keep happening in the lives of those around me to help me realize just how fortunate I am. I am thankful for the family that i have, and the fact that they put up with me, even when they have every right not to. I am so thankful for a home that is filled with love (most of the time) and the gospel. I am thankful for parents who would never leave my side and who would support me in any situation, big or small. I don't always understand why things happen, I think that's my stubborn attitude coming through... but i've come to realize this summer that sometimes there just aren't the answers we want to hear, or have the right to hear for that matter. Sometimes things happen, to teach us, or the people around us something. I am thankful for a forgiving Father in Heaven who is willing to forgive me for my shortcomings time and time again, even when I am too ignorant to realize what a blessing that is. I am thankful for the people who lift me up and make me better. I am have come to realize that in these times having people around you to make you better is a rarity, and i am thankful to have that advantage, and blessing in my life every single day.
Oh summer 2012.. You're doing just fine.. minus the shoulder surgery and all.
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